Bye bye London, Hello North Carolina

Its a cold Monday morning in London. Its dark and gloomy outside. My holiday is over. Peepu went back last night and I'm alone again. I'm happy I fly out by noon but I'm sad I'll be alone in North Carolina till the 18th while everyone will be in Delhi. I'm sad I'm missing Bharati's wedding. and I'm sad I'm flying American Airlines.

Ka Ching....

I spoke of this yesterday in my conversation of desire, turning dust to gold and why its ok to want what I want, but anything more than that kills me.

I'll share the lyrics AND the song with you.

We live in a greedy little world--
that teaches every little boy and girl
To earn as much as they can possibly--
then turn around and
Spend it foolishly
We've created us a credit card mess
We spend the money that we don't possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it's shoppin' every Sunday at the mall

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
It's such a beautiful thing--Ka-ching!
Lots of diamond rings
The happiness it brings
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things

When you're broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go and spend some more when
you get bored

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

Let's swing
Dig deeper in your pocket
Oh, yeah, ha
Come on I know you've got it
Dig deeper in your wallet
Oh

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store

Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
You'll live like a king
With lots of money and things
Ka-ching!

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta sing together

Its finally the week of 26th. I feel bad my holiday starts the same day that darkened India last year, but it wasn't planned this way.

I kept my promise and did not sulk the last 2 weeks. In fact, I worked bloody damn hard and delivered kickass output. Not, only if we can get through the next few days.

I'm mixed today. Happy and Sad. I had a nice Sunday. Peepu and I went shopping. We picked up all sorts of random stuff including antique mashals, locks and specs' holders. Peepu picked up T shirts with Punjabi slogans on them. Who knew I'd date a boy from Ludhiana. Then, he picked up two sweaters. And thank god my boyfriend likes shopping (he insists he doesn't!). We had South Indian breakfast, street food and several pots of coffee. I got myself a face pack and purple tracks. So that's the reason I'm happy.

I'm sad for 2 reasons: I feel purposeless and I feel angry. I feel purposeless as I have this sudden feeling of 'is this what i'm made for?'. I did well in my last review cycle, which is probably why I'm questioning things again. Do I want to live with my parents? Is travel my only motivation to work? Do I really get a kick from being a Consultant? Have I really taken any risks? Once my holiday is over, what am I really going to look forward to? Many many questions, but no answers yet. I'll end this one with ..... as this isn't going to end soon. So ........

And then I'm angry. I can't believe I'm writing this in a public space but I'm angry with home. I'm from a rather neat family. They're smart, educated, well turned out and extremely liberal. We have enough even though we never really planned it to be this way. I live on my own terms, which keep me from confirming yet keep me grounded solid. But more recently, I get the feeling my life's getting increasingly materialistic. I'm afraid because my family really defines a large part of who I am. And I am indeed fabulous! I live a good life- I make sure I'm able to get most of what my heart desires, whether its a nice set of stones or hot black coffee or steamed momos or a Parisian holiday with my fav boy. I don't accumluate. I follow whatever my heart is dazzled with. And I'm angry because more recently the Joneses are starting to haunt my mum a bit, making her push me to follow not what my heart desires, but what my neighbours' hearts desire. I'm sure this will pass too...

Have you heard Des'ree, you gotta be?

Good morning (does 6:00 am count as morning, or is it ‘just past midnight’?)

It’s 9th Nov. I promise, for the next two killer workweeks, I’ll smile my way through work. I will not touch HHC, Facebook, shopping sites or Travelocity (or makemytrip.com). I’m going to be terribly angsty if I don’t feel the week of 26th is well deserved, and to make sure I avoid that feeling while on holiday, I will work extremely hard (like hands folded, conversation to god happening). Also, if someone pisses me off, I’ll count to over 50K if that’s what it takes, but I will not be grumpy.

Its 6:03 a.m, Delhi is asleep on this misty early winter morning. I’m on my weekly flight to Hyderabad. There’s something about this flight that’s not quite. There are too many computers open, including my own, and almost everyone is travelling on work. Too many men suited up and nearly no women on this flight- so typical of corporate India!

My strong Costa Cappuccino saves my morning. Good morning world. I’m ready to take you on. Since I can’t fight you with curses, I’ll tame you with love.

The attendants are looking at me- I better shut down. I’m plugging in the music; I don’t know what its going to be. I’ll see you on the other side.

Not bitchy

So kids, I just came back from a much desired girly evening out. I met Sonali and Rak at Smoke House Grill and as always, it was awesome. We've known each other since 8th grade and still meet at least once every couple of weeks. We lost touch for a few years in between but something went right in the universe, and we all ended up back in the same city again.

So, let me go back in time and tell you about my close friends. I never had girl friends. I had a bunch of 4-5 of them in school, after which I always one close girl friends but my gang was always rowdy, nasty boys.It was always easier because I always stood out. But somewhere, a couple of years back, the girls and I reconnected and I have loved it ever since. The thing about these girls is, they aren't bitches. I don't like bitches and have a fairly clean record of not knowing many. We have fun. We laugh a lot. Rak's a boy. Ok not really a boy, but a lot like one. Sonali's such a girl! I'm somewhere in between.

The other thing about these girls is- they can drink! There's this unstoppable-ness about them...they go on all night. If you know me a little beyond this blog, you'll know my ability to drink is shameful. I get pretty happy with 2 glasses of wine. Things ran pretty much the same way today, except that it was 2 bottles. Now, I'm damn happy!

I'm 2 weeks away from the much awaited break. Its going to be Western Europe!! London, to meet friends; Paris for the romance; Amsterdam for the coffee shops. Monday, the Netherlands embassy blesses my passport (hopeful, me) after which, I can start telling myself to get throguh each day, as at the end of this dark tunnel, lies plenty of sunshine. Until then, lets hope the stars keep shining on us.

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love these days, and as much as I don't like chick lit, this one's very well done. I especially like the self-deprecating tone throughout- kind of reminds of myself.

Peeps is asleep. I tried calling him but I think he's out. I'm not used to not chatting with him late at night so the feeling that somethings missing. Damn, people like him. Tough to live with and without.

On an aside, I'm putting on weight again, which is worrysome. I did an intense workout today, including 50 sun salutations. I think its the cheese. When the world is about to end, and I have one thing left to do, I'll dive into a pool of melted cheese. Any way, its time I start cutting this fatty crap out of my system for a bit. I do like myself better when I'm fabulous.

My eyes are giving in now; I better get some sleep. But I promise to breathe more life in to this blog. I'm considering using it as my weekly diary, so some day my grand children can read it and feel the awesomeness.

I'm listening to Umbrella and I promise, one of these days I'll have Stars tattooed on my leg just the way Rihanna does on her neck. For Star People.

My early morning

Its 6:30 am and I'm up! And fresh! I got enough sleep. Gotta love this life; I slept a whole 8 hours.

So last night when I returned to the hotel, I had 40 minutes between when I got in and a client call. I decided to try a power work-out, which in retrospect was so easy. I should do this more often. Now that I'm up so early (6:30 IS early for Hyderabad days; I don't leave the hotel until 9), I'm going to do another power work-out. My power work-out consists of 50 sun salutations, crunches, arms and legs exercises....which I have no idea why I feel the need to explain.

In other news, my team won the Asia Pac award for the best case- something I'm quite jazzed about. Its a nice way to start this 'early' morning. Hopefully, we'll all do a fun retreat in Goa or Thailand or something. It does help to have me and Peepu on the same 'broader' case team.

Adding to the joy of this early morning is Continental Airlines, who have recently become a part of Star Alliance, helping me merge my SIA miles with my Continental miles, and sponsoring a vacation to South East Asia for me.

Speaking of travel, my UK visa is done and now I'm waiting for the Schengen. I'm excited but sometimes unsure of the holiday. See, I have to go to the UK because my friends are all there. Then, we planning to head to Amsterdam and I interrupted that with 2 days in Paris (I take full blame- Paris is entirely my idea). The concern is that Paris is awesome, and I won't want to leave it. I don't care as much for getting high in Amsterdam. But I heard they're cooler things there. So, lets try it. We're trying to get this cool hostel right in the middle of the city. The other sad one is that both Paris and Amsterdam have their sales starting only in January.

Finally, I've been making chocolate and tonnes of it. I start on Sunday mornings and end in the afternoon; feed my friends through the week. I feel like aunty chocolat!

I'm off for my workout, playing Meatloaf in the background. Rock and roll dreams is my Meatloaf favourite.

Edited to add:

Fun fact about me: I have 3,000 travel plans of which not even 3 are likely to materialize. I can't work if I don't have travelocity or makemytrip open in another window.

Fun fact #2: I have over 3,000 articles on different places I want to visit, and there are times when I wonder what I’m so happy about. That’s when I open this folder to depress myself a bit, and establish normalcy.

Fun fact#3: When I really want to test someone’s affection for me, I float the most random travel idea. I judge them based on their response. For instance, recently, at 6:00 am, I called Peepu from the airport, suggesting we go to Andaman and Nicobar islands. I finally shut up when I realized it takes 18 hours and costs Rs 34,000. But he’s so sweet for agreeing 

Why are we so complicated?

So we called it off. Why? Because we are complicated beings. We get it all easy, and hence decide we have a right to be fussy about everything. We're fussy about when we say 'seeing' vs 'dating' vs boyfriend' vs 'into you' vs 'love'. We find it easier to be sad than happy. Because we're too intense. You know what's wrong? We have first world problems. Its something I inherited from an old friend. Its funny, he had more first problems than anyone I know, but refused to use this word on himself. Whatta clown! Any way, we are way too intense.

Damn, but I'm not! You guys know me to be happy, fun and free. Should I become complicated too? I genuinely find it easier to be happy even when EVERYTHING goes wrong.

Any way I'll continue later. Right now, I'm listening to Tom's Dinner (remember, Suzanne Vega?). Because I'm a happy person. And this song is perfect for this weather. I don't follow it exactly, but it makes me smile.

So early in the morning

Why in the world would you wake up at 4:00 am, when you have a flight at 6:20, and you live less than 7 minutes from the airport?!?! Don't ask me. About 30 minutes before my alarm went off, I decided it was time to rise and shine. I'm not shining right now. So what do I do at this point? I'm wearing White salwar-kameez, so don't feel like lying down and ruining its shape. Its 4:30 am, so not very nice to wake the folks up. I could head to the airport and watch people until I board. Or I could sit here in my room, at 4:30 am (yes!), listen to Red FM and attempt writing a post.

Work has lately not been giving me much time. I clocked over 95 hours last week. This week is likely to be a 70-75 one, but even 70 implies 14 hours a day you know. And I live an hour's drive away from home. No, I don't know why I do this. But I like it, more often than not.

I did take a couple of weekends off. There was Agra, which was not entirely personal but fun any way. Then, last week I went to Sohna, where I had an absolutely fantastic 2 days. Of course, this was interspersed with moments of doubt and sadness, but that's all right. Smooth sailing is over-rated.

And hey, this week, I'm without a blackberry. I had withdrawl symptoms, like I couldn't sleep the night before even though I turned in by 11:00 pm. But last night, was peaceful. And now, I think I'm getting used to it *secret*. May be I won;t get it fixed.

I'm off to Hyderabad soon. Thank you world for making tele check-in, the ipod and ham and cheese sandwiches at Baker street (that's a cafe, not the pretty part of London. I live in India!!).

Adios!

no title

I feel so alone....its gloomy. I was nearly sure this autumn and this winter will be happy.
I'm getting my hair cut, and now I'll just walk outside the coffee shops. Its a Saturday but there's no sign of Saturday happiness.

All I wish is that this passes. Some times, loneliness has no reason. It just stays

Hola!

I'm still alive. I haven't been here much recently. I need to get back at it.

So I'm heading to an extremely lavish getaway this weekend. Its not like me to take off for the weekend to a place close to home, with nothing exciting planned. I'm just going to lounge by the pool, may be read a bit and spend an hour or two at the spa. When did I become so spoilt and unadventurous? Gone are the days when I would take 2 days off to go flying or mountain climbing or road tripping. Now I'm just a young, well-paid (knock on wood!), fabulous brat. Heck, who cares?! In a few weeks, I'll be back to normal. I'll commit a faux-pas at work, again start worrying about how I'll sustain myself if I lose this job, and get into bachat mode again.

One two three

One two three, the movie has phenomenal music. I never got around to watching this Tusshhar Kapoor (notice to change in spelling) movie, but its been a year and I still listen to the songs nearly every day.

While Rock mahi is a peppy one, the nicer songs are all the renditions of the title track, One two three. I'll leave a few lines from the ballad here....

Gaur se dekho duniya ki, ek hakikat hai yeh bhi,
sabse khubsurat tohfe milte hai yahan bilkul free,
Hasna free, rona free, pyar me pagal hona free,
Kisi ke gham se aankh milake, apni aankh bhigona free

Chanda ka muskana free, dhoop ka aana jaana free,
Cheene ke daane mehenge, par taaron ka har daana free
Chaubis (24) mein se chatis (36) ghante, maula sab ke saath hai ji
Yeh nazaarein duniya ke bilkul free, bilkul free

And here are some from the amalgamation


One two three,One two three
Duniya mein aana hai free, duniya se jaana hai free,
Dekh tamasha duniya ka, bilkul free, bilkul free ...
teri meri, meri teri, duniya ki A...B...C.D


The last one reminds me of facebook (yes, i still hate facebook)

Funny kind of conversations late nights bring

So fuck off!

An addition to the box of awesomeness

One might see this post as a logical extension of the previous one, but there were many that were typed out in between- on unrelated topics- but didn't quite make their way to the Publish tab.

For all the grief I get over being less social, I spend quite a bit of time and energy figuring out types of people I like. I place all these categories in what I call 'the box of awesomeness'. The predictable ones like those who are independent, risk-taking, free spirited are all in here, as are some of the quirky ones- like women with curly hair, those who dislike clubs but love bars, people who like beer and others. The latest to the addition is people who break up after the age of 25- 25 being the keyword.

Any way, so why? In uncomplicated words: breakups build character. They hurt. And it takes a very brave person to get through this, a very confident one to get through this without losing the awesomeness, and an absolutely fabulous one to get through this and come out of it even more awesome. (Strong adulthood influence: Barney Simpson, from How I met your mother.)

I acknowledge, that very often one of the two people breaking up (often called the dumpee) doesn't have much to do with it. But the infallible truth is that everyone who breaks up after the age of 25- the fickle dumper, or the needy dumpee- turns out awesome, since he/she spends at least a year of their mid-twenties preparing to spend their life without a partner.

2 outstanding questions?

* What about those who break up and quickly find another partner, or decide to leave this in their parents' hands, since for many people mid-twenties' relationships almost axiomatically imply getting married soon?
** Why 25?

On *, they're an exception to this principle of awesomeness. They're brave indeed, for taking such a big decision and without completely healing, deciding to move on. But not awesome, because they miss out on the tremendous insecurity followed by unshakable, almost stubborn confidence one develops when they start preparing themselves to live alone.

On**, because just the way its more difficult to lose weight at 25 vs 17, and just the way our bodies heal easily at 17 but not as well at 25, its more difficult to move on at 25. When we're older, we don't goof around. We place a lot of importance on love- and give it a lot more. The storm caused by a broken heart is much more difficult to clear when you're older.

And then when you do move on you're older, more beautiful and of course awesome. Without planning cool pickup lines, or romantic dinners, or flowers or cards or scented candles, everything turns out right!

I'm listening to Trickbaby, Fighter it is!

Time and space

Of course I liked Love Aaj Kal! I think any one who has broken up a relationship would like it. If you didn't like it, you're in a good place to have missed the opportunity to identify with it. And if you did like it, you're in a better place since you have probably been in the prolonged emotional storm that a broken heart creates.

Breaking up isn't easy. I have had wonderful relationships, and when I look back, I rarely see the bad times. That made it even more difficult. And the last thing I remember is whose idea it initially was. I haven't stayed in touch with people I once loved. I don't regret it because I don't want to associate any other feelings with them. I'm happy to lose them as friends if I can preserve them in the role they once played.

I haven't been in a relationship of any sort for 2 years. Now I think I like someone. But it has been two years since I even spoke about being in love. Strange coming from someone who had found herself in love since the age of 17. Saying the Love word was never difficult for me. Friends would often wonder how I felt the emotion so easily. I did indeed. I fell in love very easily because I associated very little fear with it. I was always free to fall in love. Its life's irony that I now stay so far from it. I don't fear it or doubt it but I'm at zero now. I have forgotten the rules. I don't know where to start. The distance gives me comfort.

Only 2 days back I was talking (preaching) to someone about why love doesn't have to be difficult. It doesn't have to be complicated. I find it so easy to try to free his mind. But I confess I'm finding it difficult to get there myself...

The title is for the song in my ears. Its Yeh Dooriyan from Love Aaj Kal. And I really think that life after the emotional storm is a better place.

So me

Every morning, for many many months, I have been having the same breakfast. 2 slices of wheat germ bread, with half a sliced tomato in between. And every time I have it, I land up in this blissful state. Its not because of how awesome it tastes (Its tomato after all), but because it totally defines the morning. It totally defines my morning.

Giving it company is a Medium Americano from Costa, which I pick up on my way to work. I no longer place my order at Costa. They see me and make it. That's not great when you wonder if its because how little your likes change.

I'm in a pretty demanding job but still, the first thing I do on plugging my computer in is check cnn.com for news updates, Google homepage to see if they have a cool Google logo celebrating some random event that falls on this day (Loved the eclipse- see below) and highheelconfidential to pat my back for dressing better than these chicks, although with much less money. I used to check facebook, but I don't live there any more.

Without ever planning this out, I spend at least 15 minutes each morning looking up places I want to visit, ticket fares and do a mental roundup of people who may be interested in coming along with me. Yesterday it was Jaipur. And earlier this week it was Portugal, D.C and Palo Alto. The latter two seem realistic since there's a longish trip to the States coming up. This morning I looked up Portugal again.

I keep several moisturizers on my desk, and these are from all over the world. Of the 4 of them, 3 are largely unused. They have the candy-store/romantic night out smell. I always pick the almond hand cream, because it has no fragrance. I had bought this myself, in Singapore, when a colleague told me that hands are the first to show signs of aging.

Then, just before I start work, I check calorie counters to see how bad the tomato sandwich is for me. I do this every day. The answer is always ~150 calories (73 per slice of bread, and about 10 for the Tomato)

By now- 9:00 am- every day, people start to come in. I pull out my ear phones, turn on the music and tune in to work.

The first song on the list today is Deliver Me, by Sarah Brightman (Brokedown Palace OST). Its my good morning present to you.

Star People Dreams

I had a difficult day. Its noone, or nothing, just that the impending conflict between my value system and my work has finally starting making itself visible. Its not a conflict on ethics or integrity, but one on dreams and freedom.

I've dreamt my whole life....I've dreamt of stars...of staying awake all night....staying awake all night running across the horizon...running across the horizon trying to catch stars....precious, shining stars.

My dreams aren't crushed, just pressed down.

I'm off to bed......and hope that tomorrow some of these will shout out and overwhelm everything else

Awesomeness

There's something fulfilling about getting a man to shop, all the way from T-shirts, shirts, trousers, shoes and colgnes. Of course, its even better when you manage to come back home with two pairs of shoes. Well deserved though, for I who haven't shopped much in the last 6 months. By the end of it, I think I did a pretty good job getting someone a makeover. Not like he needed it much, but it was a great afternoon any way....or as I like to say it, our!day!of!fun! (Remember- Janice and Joey's day!of!fun!).


After many many days of crazy work hours, I pulled out an hour of intense yoga. Have I ever told you what a difference yoga made to my life? Its definitely the best thing I've done all year....and I've never loved myself as much as I do now.


After many many days of crazy work hours, I blocked out the evening for mum and papa. The folks aren't particularly fond of fine dining, or music too loud, and this time they didn't want to go to the Golden Dragon (we've been going there for nearly 20 years...). So we decided to go to Potpourri in CP, more because I wanted to head out of the stiff upper lipped part of town. I'm quite bored of seeing pretty South Delhi women looking like clones of each other and men, all of whom keep their hair gelled up, and talk about boring holidays to the Maldives, or how they love their expat groups. I wanted to see real people. Like who I will eventually turn out to be like, after all the conflicting influences in my life make peace and reach a beautiful equilibrium. So, Potpourri. Papa had a Mutton ragout, while mum and I went for the salad and soup (and err dessert) buffet. We had a dinner full of laughs....got to thank the universe for landing me in an awesome family.

I'm turning in now....listening to Summer Wine, by Bono and the Corrs. Pure awesomeness.

Meet the star

Its Monday morning and I can already see people getting whiney in their Facebook status messages, about work and Monday and bosses. Remember what I felt about people's expressions on their way to work at the start of the week. I see a lot of volatality in people- like things are in a constant state of 'not working out' or 'this isn't what I want'. I don't crib much but even then, its natural for me to wonder if I'm living my life well. Here's something I read, and realized (surprisingly) I have satisfying responses to each of these questions. Enough of a reason to be happy? I think so...


If you knew you had a year (and no more) to live...

Would you still be doing the job you do today?
Yes, if I were working I would be doing this. I think I'd do it for 6 months, because I still do love the place, and the places it takes me to. The other 6 months, I wouldn't do a 'job'. I would see all that I have wanted to see and not been able to. I'd take my companions along. I'd provide free advice to Papa. I would write. I would learn to take better pictures. I would make clay models. Or grow flowers.

Would you still keep the grudges you hold against those you haven't yet forgiven?

At this point I don't think I have any grudges. There have been people I was very very upset with- those who knew they were going to hurt me, but didn't know they were going to break me. Once I healed, I also figured they didn't do any of it intentionally, and would not be happy to know they did indeed break me. I forgave long back, but it took me a while to forget. But I don't need to forget, do I? And no, no grudges! In any case, happy phases are highly over-rated. Dark phases have a charm no happy phase can match. Goya's dark phase brought out his talent on the canvas- and he left so much for the world. My dark phase made me beautiful. (And yes, I do like art too. I don't know much, but passable)

Would you still visit your family as rarely as you do?

I couldn't be closer to my family. Even when I'm traveling lots, I always call home. Nearly everyday. I figured if I am fortunate enough to have 2 best friends in my parents, I'm not going to alienate them. We're a fun lot, and find enough happiness in each other to keep ourselves inspired about life. I have known people who have not had great relationships at home, but touchwood, my folks and I get along awesome. Except!when!it!comes!to!shaadi!

Would you still be comfortable with the figurative distance you and the sibling have developed over time?

Vani and I are NOT distant. Vani, answer? I love you, and I love fighting with you, and I love when you buy me nice clothes, and I love getting drunk on wine with you, and I love asking you not to smoke, and I love you so much!

Would you still be whining about the little things?

Do you think I whine about little things? Do I whine? My natural state is quite a kickass one, may be more than required. So no, I don't whine. Except when my parents start asking me about my shaadi plans. Then, I whine, and I cry and I sob.

Would you still hold off on that phone call to the friend you haven't heard from in years?

Yes, I would. Totally. If I had just one year, I would need to be close to those who have been around the last few years, those who have held me together. I'd spend all my time with them because the thought of having only a year with them breaks me. Why would I call those who I haven't heard from? If I had 5 years, then may be. But 1 year is too short.

Would you still be saving up enough money for when you can finally start doing what you know will make you truly happy?

Touchwood, but I'm doing exactly what makes me truly happy. I wanted to live my twenties defying conventional Indian expectations and yet preserving those that matter a lot to me. That's my goal for my twenties- living beautifully....dancing when I want to, having a point of view, traveling the world, and traveling every weekend, writing, being fit enough to climb a mountain (small mountain), working in an intellectual environment and not getting pulled down by higher paying or may be even more glamourous opportunities (not because they aren't good, but because they don't matter to me), driving on highways, reading the best works of the most accomplished people, loving like there's no tomorrow, and still getting ample sleep. Yes, no world-changing goals, although with all this, I do end up making some difference to people's lives.

I feel like a star today, thank you very much. How do you feel?

Have you heard Dhan ta nan from Kaminey? Love it!

KL

I'm missing old days. I'm missing KL. Its one of my favourite places in the world....it takes me back to some precious days...a few years back..

In 2007, from Feb to June, I lived in KL. I had my apartment in Singapore but my case took me to Malaysia, and within a few days I figured I'd be happier getting an apartment there rather than moving in and out of hotels. The idea was to spend 5 days a week there, but soon I stopped going back. I would stay back on weekends. Or often I would fly out to other parts of South East Asia. I didn't have much in Singapore- its a plastic, lego city. Its orderly, but its like a board game- easy, mechanical, sanitized. KL is real, like me. It isn't always beautiful. Its filled with extremes. It is not always classy, but it isn't always trashy either. It has its flashy manifestations of progress, but it has its quaint, underdeveloped pockets. It is not comfortable, but it is real. It isn't exactly visitors' paradise. It has no beaches, no mountains....its not a party town, its not as touristy...but its incredible!

My time in KL was incredible, for all that it gave me....

...for the cozy apartment at Bukit Ceylon- facing the towers, yet not too close to them

...for the golden triangle that always buzzed with activity. It wasn't packed with shoppers and club-goers. It had normal people, like you and I, hanging out, for coffee, beer, food

...for Finnegans, the Irish pub, and my poker buddies I met there

...for allowing me to fit in to the city as if it were my own

...for making me realize, for the first time, I love solitude and found unbelievable happiness in being alone

...for Papa's 4 hours stop-over at the airport, stuffed pizza and beer, and the bottle of Cognac

...for Papa's four day visit, and how much I cried when he left

...for making the F1 race with AZ and Rohit happen

...for Mukri, the loyal cabbie, who would find me regardless of place or time or accessibility

...for the wonderful evenings spent with the best case team ....ever!

...for the massive amounts of food at China town, when friends visited

...for the towers that I was practically in a relationship with

...for helping me not get hurt by pfaff lovers (Delhi runied it!)- remember the 'Sorry, I slept with some girl crap', that didn't hurt me, because I was too much in love with how I was living my life

...for making me love the firm (Delhi runied it!)

...for enabling me to see that part of the world

...for how innocently scared I was to spend more than a certain amount on an outfit, because I hadn't been brought up to visit malls 'for fun!'

...for how BB and I became good friends around the same time, co-incidentally (people do like me more while I'm away)

...for the beef paranthas and noodle soup available for less than 10 RM at Mamak stores

...for so many lonely, but beautiful nights spent staring at the sky from the balcony

...for phone cards

...for several dinners, had alone, at the sushi place downstairs

...and for how thankful I was, every time Mukri drove me to the airport, that it wasn't the final departure.

And then one day, I left. I thought I would be back, but it hasn't happened ever since.

Woh Chali Woh Chali

Bombay, Bangalore/Chicago, Ananda Spa....3 promising weekends, which means I MUST do my expenses today. The only (and I swear only) reason I would want to get promoted to Manager is to get an assistant to do all the bitchwork.

It rained last night, and its such a beautiful morning! I'm listening to Woh Chali, remember, the Bombay Vikings.

Dreams

Wednesday morning, 7:29 am. I just finished Yoga but before I run into the shower, I want to put this down.

Some times we get so pulled down by smaller things that aren't working out for us, we lose the bigger picture. After a long conversation on complex matters of the heart with Peepu last night, I was all ready for 7 hours of undisturbed sleep. I woke an hour and a quarter back, and realized I had dreamt several times last night, of imaginary situations where matters of the heart pull me down. My first thought after waking up this morning was "what about all those big dreams?".

Really, what about them? when will they come back in to claim their rightful place? when, along the line, did life become all about conversations, Friday beer and matters if the heart?

I have to go and shower now....but I'm wondering if I should light the fire

Just because....I love U2 (no, not you too!)

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

I think I’ll die at an airport

Hahahaha! Have you ever met a VP Finance & Strategy of a world leading company who tells you he’s at the airport to catch a flight to Delhi where he’s going to meet a girl who he has been chatting with on the phone for over a month? He’s probably a little less than 50 and the girl is half his age- they met over a wrong number. He moved from the Southern hemisphere to Bangalore only a month back, and in his first week met this wonderful sardarni on the phone. He used to be married and has two boys- in their mid-teens. He loves his two sons, who he managed to steal from their mother after she left him to live with another man. Of course, I say ‘steal’ because he went under cover with his sons for a few years, until he came back and surrendered and this time, won his sons back through lawfully- fair and square!

We were on the same Spice Jet flight. I wasn’t going to believe he was VP when I saw him at the Spice Jet counter, until I realized he probably didn’t believe I was a senior consultant for the same reason. I spent 3 hours with him at the airport. He also gave me pointers on driving from Cape Town to Cairo. I’ve dreamt of it for 18 months now, I’ve GOT to do it in the next 12. Any way, I hope he has a nice evening with his phone friend.

I’m flying back to Delhi and haven’t waited for a weekend as much as I’m waiting for this one. Nothing special, I just have lots to get done. Plus, I think I’m too non-desi and feel like I need to get a few colourful salwar kurtas. Also, I think it’s awesome that I haven’t shopped in over a few months. I’m no anti-shopper. I like new clothes a lot- like my white dress, its got to be great, since it’s the second time I’m blogging about it in 2 weeks. But I don’t like how clothes and shoes have become the latest members of people’s lives. Any way, I don’t like most forms of obsession. Music and movies are totally forgivable though! Ok ok ok, we all have our vices and I just named mine. (On obsessions, music is totally my biggest obsession. I’m pretty sure this has something to do with why I say ‘pardon me’ 300 times a day. I like movies a lot too, but this is recent. In the last 12 months, I have tried to make up for the 25 years of virtually 10 movies. Contrary to what most people think, I’m not addicted to books. I like reading but I’m not a crazy reader who would die without a book. I carry a book most of the time but its because you never know where you get stuck. I like maps a lot, and hence the sense of direction of a police dog.I have less than 30 pairs of shoes, and every time I buy a new pair, I dispose one off. I do have a lot of clothes, running into several hundreds, but that’s more because I take very good care of them, and I still fit into what I wore at 17. Plus, I never really follow crazy fashions, so very few things in there are unwearable. I like body oils and lotions, but can do without them again, especially those that make you smell like a candy store or strawberry tart. I do like those with a neutral smell a lot- Clinique, C&E, Forest Essentials and Victoria’s secret’s non-fruit collection. I’m addicted to coffee, and all I can say to all those cancer warnings is ‘whatta way to go!’. A few things I’m not addicted to but I’m unlikely to give up….ever: Cheese, beer and love. Now of course, if I develop an allergy to milk products, get diagnosed with liver infection or have my heart removed, I’ll have to, but lets all fold our hands and pray that never happens).
Bangalore was great! My clients are fabulous. The main person I interact with is twice my age, Southern Eastern, from Jacksonville I think, and we get along great. We have quite a bit in common. We are both very close to our families. Just like me, he likes the Mid-west a lot more than the East coast and he finds Bangalore free-spirited too. He also treats religion as very private, and likes my country just the way I like his. Soon, I’ll head to Naperville again, on the other side of the world.


I’m pressing my palm against the warm window on the plane, and the light of the setting sun. I’m listening to Trouble Sleeping, from the O.C. The song reminds me of all the wonderful times I’ve had trouble sleeping, because, as the song goes, I’ve been thinking about what you said. Many of us find our nights full of movement, characterized by lack of long, sound sleep. Some have nightmares, some have panic attacks, and some just use the restroom too often. I wake up too, but for none of these reasons. I just wake up to walk up to the window and think about what you said. I won’t share the song, but listen to it any way, and live my life- just for one night. Don’t do it if you aren’t alone.

airport diaries

You walk towards the check-in counter at the airport and run into old connections, those you knew through old love. You smile at them, but know the lump in your throat will soon appear and make you falter on the next few lines. After all, he probably knows of how closure happened. You exchange a few words, still waiting for the lump in your throat, or fumbled sentences or even a sudden hot flash. But it doesn't happen this time. You think,"when did I become so cool?!" You smile, you don't feel the need to talk much further- you've done the minimum. You walk along, run into colleagues, laugh over coffee and talk about the day ahead.

Its no great accomplishment- it has been really long you know, but come onnnnn, its cute no?

On my flight to chennai-land, taking off!

Weekend blues

I had a horrible, horrible weekend. Here's why:

1. Friday night was fun, with a few of us stuck at work and plenty (or rather, some) beer to keep us going. But then it suddenly changed. I ended very grumpy by the end of the night. Of course, I finally reached home at 3 am, which lays grounds for the second reason for why the weekend sucked.
2. I woke up at past 11 am on Saturday, which is awful. I wasted half my Saturday. I absolutely HATE slothful weekends. Yes, stuck up as some would say, but guess what, I don't care. I'm not one for sleeping in till noon. I'm an amry kid, and I love to wake up in time, shower, step out regardless of how bad the weather is, spend a few hours in a coffee shop, have lunch...and still have half the day left ahead.
3. I went to the salon and realized I had left my wallet in office the night before. Thankfully, Sonali was able to come by in less than 10 and pick my tab. God bless good friends. Obviously, mum had, by then, stressed her last few black hair out, as if my wallet had some 10 lakhs in it.
4. So later the evening, I had my yoga session. And it was the most painful ever, because mum, maasi (who's visiting ) would just not stop interrupting. So eff-ing painful. I love mum, but all I ask is for an hour a day. For someone who has lived away from home for most of her twenties, living at home has its occasional moments of immense frustration.
5. Remember the wallet I had left behind at work. So later last night, we went over to Sonali's for her pre-birthday party. It was good fun except that I had geneuinely wanted to com back in time because I did have a lot of shit to finish this weekend. But since I didn't have my wallet, I didn't have my license, and I was finally dropped back home at 3 am.
6. Hence, Sunday morning got eff-ed too!
7. I just wrapped up another painful Yoga session because this time, my neighbour came and stopped me in between. And that was it! Some times there's massive downside to having an image of being respectful to older neighbour aunties. Plus, I'm completing two years of living with the folks- can not go on forever!
8. Lastly (I hope this is the last dampener for this weekend. I am left with 7 hours you know), I had something on my mind for a few weeks now- which is a pretty long time for me. I left it behind me now. I'll stay the course.

QQQQQQQ.........a...a...a..with a shaky explanation

I'm so confused! Should I? Should I not? Do I believe it is? Do I believe its not? Am I ready? Or is it that I'm not? Does it make sense? is it nonsensical? Is it just me? Probably. Is it worth thinking about? Or is it worth dissing? I think there's a bit at risk. Or is there? Or should I wait? May be I'll wait. Yeah, that sounds right. I'll wait. For what? to get away? Yes, its nicer that way. And may be it won't even remain a question when I'm away. And it won't come up. Right, and noone will know a thing. Not me, not you, and we'll live happily ever after....

A geek made me smile .....

...with this picture

Facebook's a bitch

I just realized I'm scared of Facebook. I was uploading pics from my birthday, and 20 minutes after I finished, I deleted the album. The context here is I don't usually upload pictures because I can't stand people coming up with seemingly logical deductions about me from pictures of me. Even my profile picture is significantly dated.

Also, I'm quite judgmental of people who keep uploading photos, week after week. Its not like they upload anything special any way, just them partying in F Bar, and then in Ivy and then in Bachi da da da. And even more annoying are the pretty ladies who change profile pictures twice a week. I want to tell them they look just the same! The blue top looks as good or as bad as the pink one but stop ladies!

But I feel bad- now, noone gets to see my pretty white dress.

Edited to add: So my friends insisted I re-upload them and I did- a first for me! Of course, it unleashed this ocean of comments, many of which were flattering (coming from my girl friends who don't usually 'so pretty!!' each other...we're quite nasty), but it reminded me of exactly why I don't upload pictures. Thankfully, it helps that I don't have as many 'stunnnning!!!' pictures of myself. Facebook's quite a bitch! But hey, everyone saw my pretty white dress!!

Li la li 26

Now the years are rolling by me, they are rockin even me
I am older than I once was, and younger than Ill be, thats not unusual
No it isnt strange, after changes upon changes, we are more or less the same
After changes we are more or less the same

Thank you, S&G

-Megha
12:40 a.m; Monday, 8th June 2009

7th June- Megha makes a kickass American breakfast

Preparation time: 10 minutes
Cooking Time: 10 minutes
Calories: 800 per Bagel
Nutrition value: Takes you to heaven!

Hyuk hyuk! You thought I was making this a recipe blog. Deathmax! Never

But sad, mum had only half. And Papa needs to swim longer today.

Differences in our worlds

The Western world has a long way to go when it comes to hospitality. I’m sitting at the Business Lounge at Terminal 1 at Frankfurt, on my way back to Delhi from a 10 days long work trip to Chicago. While I booked myself on Lufthansa, my trip back is on United, where business class is comparable at best to King Fisher Business class, which isn’t great if you’re doing 20 hours. Of course, if I was travelling on my own money, I’d be doing coach on Etihaad Airways!! But since the firm is paying for this trip, I have the luxury of cribbing. Its not the width of the seats or the degree to which the bed flattens. The service sucks! Yes, 10 days in the US, and I use the word ‘sucks’.

I’ve been to the UK and USA several times in the last few years, so many times I’ve lost count. Pretty fortunate, me! I love the Western world, though a little less than my Indian world. I’m always trying to justify that there isn’t really a clash of the 2 worlds. If you make the effort to tap into the place and the people, you’ll find the worlds are not so incompatible. Having said that, some differences remain, not universally, but based on which world you’re closer to.


I reached Chicago O’Hare airport well in time to avoid a flight fiasco like last time. I decided to put my feet up in the lounge next to the window, so the warmth of the gracious Chicago sun could fall on my face. I guess the heat got to me after a while so I got up to walk around. In any case, I needed to find a pharmacy. Of course, with little luck with the pharmacy, and little time left for my flight to take off, I headed towards the boarding gate. I had one person ahead of me when I started feeling dizzy. I knew the feeling. I had it before. I was going to faint in about 120 seconds. I started looking around for a place to sit, but every time I’d inch towards what I thought I saw with my blurred eyes, it would disappear. It didn’t help that the Indian uncle ahead of me left his bag unattended, sparking of emergency alarms that made my 120 seconds tizzy worse.


When my eyes opened, I was still at that awful waiting lounge. There was an Indian gentleman holding my hand, feeling my pulse. He wore the uniform of a paramedic. A Rakesh-Roshan-with-hair lookalike. The attendants around me didn’t stop cackling, and even contemplating not letting me get on the plane. I could hear them all saying ‘what’s going on’ and just that, several times. The paramedic knew I would be fine. He assured me the flight would wait a bit but I should take my time to get up. He asked me if I had eaten, whether I had slept enough and if I had been sick recently, none of which happened, I replied, still not completely well. Then, he held my hand and pressed it gently, asking me very softly, almost deliberately inaudible to anyone else, if it could be because I might be having my period. He asked the attendants to step back, and walked me to the plane, up to my seat 15A. He didn’t say much, just stood there for about 5 minutes. I think I slept off some time then.

I’ve always loved the Americans I know (I still do), but today, the only reaction I found genuine, dignified and humane, was the Indian’s. I guess some differences will remain.

I have a 4 hour stop over at Frankfurt. I’m listening to Rehna Tu, and wondering when the jinx will finish.

30 things

Saw this on chandni's blog. Good fun

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

Has my face gotten fatter?

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?

Rs 600, $7 and a few cents, pennies, etc

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

Explore

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Nidhi Australia, because the bitch thought my birthday was 4th June

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

Airtel

6. What are you wearing right now?

Beach dress bought at Penang, worn as a nightie

7. Do you label yourself?

Yes, Normal, contrary to what most people think. Not bold, not outspoken, not out adventerous, not liberal. NORMAL!!

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently on?

HydeOut

9.Bright or Dark Room?

Dark with a lamp on the bed side table

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

I like her blog.....she's got her head in the right place. Strong opinions, laid back, and fun. But I can totally see how she and I wouldn't get along if we were friends.

11. What does your watch look like?

Its a classic Movado, with a black dial and a simple thin, steel strap

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Waiting for Lufthansa flight 760 to park so I could give my legs some exercise

13. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? "Thanks, Megha" from Namrata (Analyst at work, in response to me giving her a heads up on work on Saturday)

14. What’s a word that you say a lot?

Crap!

15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)

A message from someone I like a lot

16. Last furry thing you touched?

The furry pouf on Iyer's bed at the W, Lakeshore, Chicago

17. Favourite age you have been so far?

Actually, now. I liked the 17-20 age too. No, I like this time the best.

18. What was the last thing you said to someone?

Allright, then.

19.The last song you listened to?

Sounds of Silence, Simon and Garfunkel

20. Where did you live in 1987?

Srinagar, Kashmir and Delhi

21. Are you jealous of anyone?

No

22. Is anyone jealous of you?

Possibly some, but not many many. I guess most people I can think of like my life and support me in what I do, and may even want to emulate some parts of it- but not many who would be jealous. Don't care about those who don't come to my mind.

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
My 'I screwed up...slightly' grin.....nothing else really. I do carry a tweezer quite often. But nothing that I have ALL the time. May be the intagible stuff like hope, optimism, spark and all that


24. What’s your favourite town/city? New Delhi and New York City

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Many many years back. I think in 2003, to Shiv. Or did I? He used to do these nice things, while i shamelessly blew up cash on STD booths.

26. Can you change the oil on a car? No.

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? That he's married

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now? Yes, my legs.

29.What is your current desktop picture? A firm logo, pointing towards Ture North. Crap, I need help. I'm going to change it right away.

30. Have you been burnt by love? Yes and its not such a bad thing

Chicago-1

Noon, in Chicago, and I now know what the big deal about great weather is. The city looks beautiful today. I have the graduate on my mind. Of course, I'm listening to the Simon and Garfunkel.

Its Sunday evening and .....

RCB 5 wickets down.....now 6....Deccan Chargers it is. I don't know why I'm stressing so much over it- beyond my tiny loyalty to Delhi Daredevils, I don't know much about it. I mean I know how it works and all that, but I can't get myself to enjoy it passionately.

Any way, I'm at the sorry end of the weekend. This was a tough one. Yesterday was sad, as Sunita's father passed away yesterday. She's braver than I. She's been with us 7 years now, and while I can't lessen her grief, I can feel it. She was close to her father the way I'm close to mine. She's unmarried but gets kick out of being independent as that does her parents proud. I do too. I put her on a train to Rourkela this afternoon. I don't when she will be back, but I hope she's able to put a brave front back home, and help her mother through this irreparable loss.

Today I've been super lazy, most unlike me. I don't feel lazy, rather the drowsiness is keeping my eyes closed. I still pushed myself to work out, get myself dented-painted at the salon, but I'm still yawny sleepy. The cheesecake at Flavours didn't help much. But I'd be stupid to pass an opportunity to dine outdoors on a day as beautiful as today.

I've got new glasses. I broke my old ones. Again.

I'm an inch away from fitting beautifully into my new swimsuit. Its 2 piece. I'm no size zero, and when I say I'm an inch away from it I mean I'll soon be in a form that won't necessarily have people wonder why I decided to buy that little piece any way. Now, I need to go to Goa.

I may be on a long flight in less than a week from now. Unless something bad happens. Bad = Change of client's plans. But its not so bad. The alternative will be attending Shefali's wedding in Bangalore, which is just as cool. So lets see..

I'm reading Pirates and Emperors, by Chomsky. Stings, but gives real context. I'll write more about it soon.

Now they're 8 down. So sad!

whatay!

Bharti, Suraj, KC, Happy, Amith, Total,Thands, Chaddah, Soumya, Sarwagi, Prao, Shobhit, Kaka, ND....whatay!!

Peeps, missed ya!

Love all, its Humein tumse pyaar kitna...jhankaar beats version

Not.always.an.end.to.everything

I should be sleeping, after a nightmare half week. And it is 12:44 am.

I'm thinking. Of moments. Of unfinished moments. Of beautiful unfinished moments. Of moments that wont go. Of moments that leave a picture behind. The picture that can't be deleted. Conversation with a real supporter in times of sadness. Uninihibted, unconditional support. Smile of acknowledgement from across the room. Several times. Silent glance from someone who can sense you're sad, but chooses not to ask- just looks. Looks with concern. Looks with warmth. 45 seconds of romance in crowded room. Illegitimate romance. Happy good-byes. No words just two faces communicating whatever little needs to be said. Moments of silence. Of support, warmth, love, concern.

Hungry

Its midnight and I'm hungry. I can't think of anything else. The hamburger in How I Met Your Mother, pancakes in FRIENDS, pizza in FRIENDS and turkey sandwiches in Gossip Girl. Hang on, Monika bakes fresh cookies to lure everyone to the new apartment she got after losing hers to Joey and Chandler. And the donut Joey left on top of the fridge at the old apartment. The Dominos celebration ad. And now, Chandler not only accuses Cathy of cheating on him, but he also craves Beefstake Charlies.

Sob!!!! I need food.

Megha decides not to die

This week isn't likely to be intense. But that doesn't stop me from coming in at 8:00am. Only better traffic can stop that. And coming in at 8:00 isn't so bad when you've been up since 5:45 am.

I'm bored of Facebook so I'm writing a blog post. Have you heard that before? I substitue Facebook and Blogger

And then, I have an entire bag of jelly beans in my handbag, which is keeping me on a perpetual sugar high, making me annoyingly chirpy at times.

I noticed something this morning while I drove to work. They were playing 'We didn't start the fire' on FM 95 and I was, as always, singing along aloud, checking myself out in the mirror and even dancing as much as the confines of the driver's seat permitted. I looked around and saw people in the 2 adjacent cars looking at me wonderously, like I was some sort of psycho. I don't blame them. But after that I couldn't help but notice all along the highway, that people heading to work don't smile. Whether it was passengers in Chartered buses, 8 young executives shoved in to a van, the pretty young girl driving her Santro or the accomplished senior manager chauffered in his Camry. I started to think why I always smile on my way to work, when I realized I smile on my back as well, and on my way to the coffee shop, and on my way to the salon, and on my way to the loo. Ok, I don't ALWAYS have a purposeless smile plastered on my face, but what I'm trying to say is my default state is a happy one. Not gleeful, excited, euphoric (that would require pot or Ecstacy), but happy.

Now, I'm at work and I'm asking myself why it is this way. There's a lot that's conspicuously missing in my life. I could work less than 70-80 hours a week, could be thinner, could have a beautiful boyfriend, clear skin, better clothes, nicer hair, kick-ass luck- all of these I want, but don't have. But still happy? Yes,happy. And what I do have- nice job, nice guys around me, strong support group, pretty dresses and of course, good music- comes in probably because its attracted to cheeriness inside.

Yes, Happy, but obviously not content, which still isn't so bad, given the number of grumpy faces I see every morning.

Did I forget to mention I had a kick-ass weekend. I made appetizers- Devil eggs and Chicken Croquettes- for 8 people, spent lots of good time with Vani and met up with a lot of people I knew back in IIM. I met some of them after nearly 4 years! Others, who I have been running in to on and off, were great too. Awesome party, familiar friendly faces and some more.....and that is all.

Overall, TOUCHWOOD!!!


I'm 6 jelly beans and 2 gummies down, plugging my ear phones on, to listen to REM. The title is inspired by a fictional character Veronika who had almost everything, just like me, but not enough, just like me. She decided to die.

Got help?

I don't believe much in self-help, motivational reading and other such da da da. I sort of like the overall effect low moments have on our lives. Of course, they make you stronger. But they also make you realize you'd be pretty sad to want only happy moments. I don't search for true happiness because I don't want it. I like bumpy rides. I like being normal. I like being happy, sad, successful, dejected, loved, rejected, admired, ignored, fat, thin- it all comes together to help rock life.

I have, over the last few years, learnt to love great moments, and go all out and weep the hell out of sad moments.

I've learnt to appreciate true love because I've been burned. And if you haven't been burned, you don't know what you're missing out on!

I've learnt that there is an often occuring and painfully difficult tradeoff in life-it can be easy or interesting!

I've learnt that family is indispensible!

I've learnt that I'm right in believing things can be done in style....

....that best friends can make it so easy to accomplish an evening full of fun, every weekend

....that when I was in love, I was indeed blinded

....that there's a lot of merit in going the right way, even though the wrong way is seemingly easy (a la Shah Rukh Khan in DDLJ)

....that I really do smile on Monday mornings. Oh, I can be such a loser

....that my faith holds me together

....that the body has phenomenal self-healing powers

....that inconsistent messages are confusing the hell out of me, but I'm managing just fine

I'm going to shut off now. I have lots to read. I've been going at a pace of a book a week, and last week I did two. And then, I also have Yoga tomorrow morning, which is even more important these days, since I have a tiny, new swimsuit to fit in to.

I'm off! Good night!

Picture this

You live in Algren, a little town in Southern Canada, with a population of no more than 1,500. You work for $250 a week at the mayor’s office, which really doesn’t require much. Answer the phone and think of ways to make Algren look prettier- may be plant Petunias at the side walk, or re-paint the water tower. But you’re happy you’re doing it well! While walking a few houses down to work you drop your little daughter, Summer Feelin’ over at your boyfriend’s (and her father’s) place. As you walk down further, you get a whiff of hot, freshly baked cakes from the nearby café, the only café, where you head out for an occasional coffee since most of the time you brew coffee at home. In the afternoon, after work you pick up Summer Feelin’ and her father and head home. Papa is by now looking forward to seeing Summer Feelin and mum can’t wait to catch up on the day over pots of coffee. Later in the evening, you and your boyfriends head out to the farm at the outskirts. You spend hours on a large pile of hay, stare at the setting sun, make love, share a cigarette, listen to the birds chirping the night in, wonder how everyone approves of your relationship, talk about Summer Feelin and what she might like for dinner today….may be Chicken casserole and boiled potatoes ,,,,,

I’m a city girl but for this moment, I want to live in Algren. For a few days while I was sick, it moved me away from the noisy, complex, exciting and very colorful world of my own.

Does sewage taste different in China?

I just had Hot and Sour Chicken soup that tasted like what I had imagined sewage water to be. Is it me, the fever or Chopstix?

Sorry, Mr Universe

I want everything! Really, EVERYTHING! Of course its unreasonable, especially when I want the universe to align to let me have it.

I'll settle for less today, because I can see I had a momentary lapse of reason. But tomorrow, I'll be back, with lesser conscience and more demands.

Sigh!

My dark circles make me look like a racoon. Sigh! Its just sad how perfect faces never develop such blemishes: its only the imperfect ones that gets more imperfect. Any way, I think they lend more personality to my face- you know interesting faces vs pretty dumb ones. I get the prize for an interesting face.

And then I get a message from FYI. Sigh, every once in a while, dear FYI, I miss what I knew of you.You know, I liked you more after you left, because I now know I miss people I knew for a few weeks way more than others who I spent a lot more, and seemingly significant time with- because its the spirit and not the time of the association, that makes me your fan!


Any way, back to my life. Mum's back, with my favourite Clinique cream and a summer dress (at a size I can't mention, honest. But a size that wouldn't have fit me last year).

The week was eventful. At the start of the week, I spent my unstaffed time very usefully, traveling the length and breadth of Delhi, literally internalizing what I love about it. Day one, I hung out in South, visited the book store and went for Papa's coursemate's son's wedding. Tuesday, I went to Lutyens Delhi, spent a few hours reading Kennedy at Cafe Turtle followed by an hour at Bangla Saheb, causing tremendous confusion on what to do with the prashad- eat it before or having it blessed or otherwise. Day three- kaka and yuko joined me in our tour to Chandni Chowk, devouring Paranthas and Kulfi. We went ahead to the red fort but by the time we got there, we decided against checking the place out and chilled in the lawns instead. Now all these places aren't new to me. I've been there several times, but they're so close to my heart, I need get a dose every once in a while. Now, I'm staffed on a new piece, in a new industry with a new manager. So far, all good on that front.I need to sleep on the weekend!

And some where during the course of this post I decided I will NOT worry about my dark circles. I choose to sleep less- there's so much else to do. Imperfections are cool, plus worrying about my face? Hey, I'm not that sorta girl any way.

I'm going to read Dragons of Eden now, which gives me lots of good dope on intelligence, the human mind and evolution.


Edited to add: One upside of dark circles is I NEVER need more than a line of Kohl to make my eyes smoky (and tempting)

Girls aloud

That I don't write pseudo-intellectual stuff is not new news. But I just scrolled down my blog posts and realized I haven't cribbed in a while. So I think its time I do write something chick-like.

To start with, what's it with Modi? So the run-up to elections 2009 has indeed been pathetic in terms of the mud-slinging, but he's reached new lows that I didn't think were possible after his historical performance. So he took back his statement that the COngress is a 125 years old budhiya (old woman), and called it a party of gudiyas (dolls). Its typical of inward looking, older Indian men to think women aren't capable of much. But when a person aspiring to be the PM says something like this, one can be assured its not going to be fun living in a country rules by them.

On this note, I'm amused at how the MCP bug bites men across the nation, regardless of age, education or their roots. I used to think this was a Punjabi thing, but not really- its true of men, and even some women, from all over the country. I see several such monkeys in my immediate surroundings, who are still trying to convince themselves that women who work are making a clear trade-off between their careers and traditional roles (family etc). And when they do see women balance both, which is almost always, they start acting all restive about it. Like, "yaar, mujhse aisi ladki nahi sambhal ti" or "Yaar, she's too aggressive". And really, I didn't think I'd see it this day and age. I haven't been much of a feminist, because never felt the need for it until I went to business school. But thereafter I faced several incidents when I've had to defend my type (read: women). Whether it was to explain that women at the IIMs often get the cool jobs not because they wear skirts, but also because there are indeed jobs which they are equally well suited to. This was in fact the funniest one I heard at the business school- that because a company hired 2 women and 2 men, from a school where the sex ratio was 1:6, it meant the company was biased. For a company to hire an equal number of women and men for their internship doesn't mean women have it easier. Why should a recruiter care what the sex ratio is? They'll recruit whoever they want. The sad part is there are several non-skirt type women who feel the same way too. I loved how my neighbor at IIM(who was indeed one of the smarter and hotter ones) countered it by saying "Just because I'm hot and I'm smart, men resent it".

The other one is when men in bars assume women who're in there with them are loose. This is more true of Delhi and of late, Mangalore. I went to the Golden Dragon with Papa last Saturday. I chose Chinese tea while he went with his Beer. Mid-way, I got tempted by his beer and asked the waiter aloud to get me another mug so I could share a bit of Papa's drink. This bunch of middle aged guys sitting next to us immediately started reacting violently, and eventually one of them, who was pretty damn drunk, got up, walked towards me, turned to look at his friends and said "Its time to take things in your hands". Papa isn't one to shut up in these situations. He's quite the fighter army types. He promptly got up and reprimanded the drunken fellow about it, asking him to talk to him not me. Before we realized, the entire restaurant's attention was on us. Of course, the 'taking things in their hands types' got quite frightened and apologized saying they were talking amongst themselves and evasively said they didn't imply anything on us. Within minutes, they scurried out of the restaurant.

Last example for the day. I was waiting for Papa to pick me up at the airport the other day (its so cute when he texts me to cancel the cab because he wants to drive to the airport to get me) , and this 45-types dude standing next to his wife, kept staring at my shirt. It was a white office shirt, so obviously slightly transparent. Our man didn't just look- he leched, relentlessly while his wife kept looking away, trying to locate their cab. He stopped when I walked up to him and said "Uncle, aap ko sharam nahi aa rahi, mein aapse 20 saal chhoti hoon, aur aap dekhi jaa rahe hain. Main yahan 10 minutes aur hoon- kya aap dekhna band karonge, ya, fir main police bulaoon". The wife didn't look amused and I left her to take care of the rest of the situation

I used to get rather worked up earlier, and would begin a row, fully prepared for it to turn in to a bitter, and possibly physical fight too. Now, I don't try as much. That's the one upshot of EVERYONE getting married. The chauvinists find the types that keep them happy, and we have to deal with their frustrated behavior less frequently.

I'm watching 90210 on Star World. Its a Monday and I'm home. There's no better time to be unstaffed than during the elections drama.

Its a baby girl!

I don't know much about babies apart from the fact that I adore them, and like most women my age, I feel I was born to have them. I guess its a passing phase since its only been 6 years that I've been feeling this way.

But the cooler part is the fantastic revelation that I can make babies happen to others. And baby girls, to be precise. I don't mean I facilitate the 'making' of babies- no way, that's not my thing. But there's definitely a connection between working with me and having a baby girl. Some, made-in-heaven type of connection. How else would you explain the fact that every 'boss' I have worked with in the India office has had a baby girl WHILE I worked with him.

I moved back in July one year and in August that year I started my first India office case. A month in to the case, there was a lovely baby girl, M- sending the 'boss' on family leave. In October, after I came back from Cancun I did this bring-me-death type of PE case for a New York-based client. The 'boss' this time was one I had worked with once for a week in July, and now 6 weeks at the end of the year, during which came Baby girl K. Then, at the turn of the year I joined the ringfence that brought with it multiple death-but-fun cases. The first of these was for an internet business idea. A classic problem to crack and great team to work with. We were nearly half way in to the case, when in late Feb, the 'boss'- extremely fun and might I say, good looking- went off to have his baby girl Z. I thought we were done. While I was still in the ringfence I changed teams and got staffed with fantastic Mr M, who was not my 'boss' but well, for a short period I did report to him. It was a long day during the insane, near-detah hospital case, that we were planning our World Cup trips and poor Mr M told me that much as he wants to, he won't be able to make it to Boston because his baby is due then. I mumbled "You mean...your baby girl is due then". August that year, Baby girl K came, bringing the Ms much joy and me, some puzzlement. All this in 6 months- 4 baby girls! Any way, I pushed myself close to dismissing this theory because I always saw myself as someone who could faciliate new businesses, new recipes, new stories, but not baby girls. Also, my mentor, who I had incidentally never worked with, was also expecting a child. So clearly, my working with them had nothing to do with it. In July later that year, he had his baby. But this was Baby BOY S. So my theory was not complete dismissed.

By now, I had left the ringfence and was not working diligently towards helping my Bombay-based client become a winner in the chemicals space. My 'boss' was going to be my 'boss' for 10 months. I didn't know it, but it was fun any way. Earlier this year, he mentioned he'd be off in April as he was going to hit a milestone in his life. Again, I grinned, saying ' baby girl milestone, you mean'. He didn't understand why I said that, and probably ignored it. This morning, baby girl arrived. Q.E.D

We are all happy for the 'boss'. He's really nice, and will be a great dad to his baby girl. I'm especially happy as I know now, that I have somehing to do with it. Clearly not something pro-active (its my workplace, for the love of god), but somewhere there is a connection between me and baby girls. What do you think?

P.S. This post is intended to explain that there is some connection, but I do not intend to imply any causility or take any credit for these beautiful little girls- absolutely not. I'm just kicked!

I'm listening to the soundtrack from Conquest of Paradise. The theme is beautiful. Haunting. Painful, but with joy in it. Like the euphoria from the conquest of paradise.

Kyunki Fighter hamesha jeet ta hai

There's something re-assuring about someone screaming and repeating "Everything's gonna be all right" in your ears. Can't stay worried after that!

In another news, my Yogi (Yoga instructor) is impressed with the speed at which I've picked it up. I'm in class # 6 and up to 15 surya namaskars.

I'm dedicating this post to my mentor from IIMB, Khunger, for telling me he's sure I'm going to love it ahead.

Not thinking about tomorrow

The title's borrowed from Kid Rock.

All right, so I'm done with a 10 months long case. I thought I'd die on this case (because of how long it was, not because it was difficult), but it looks like we made it.

I'm wrapping it up now, after a phenomenal meeting with the Chairman earlier this week.

Not a lot happening at my end, or actually a lot happening- depends on how you look at it. I had a splendid weekend in Bombay. I spent most of it meeting old friends, and chilling with Vani, including getting happy over wine and cooking. Also, checked out a few neat places to hang out in Bombay. Net net, I came back with 2 new (almost new) pairs of shoes, one summer dress, the skill to cook Jeera aloo in the microwave, and a few good friends to count on, in the city.

On my flight to Bombay, I ran into 2 interesting gentlemen. One was serious, and the other quite happy. I met them in the shuttle on the way to the plane. Obviously, I kept rambling about why I was heading to Bombay, what's nice about both Delhi vs Bombay and how airports have become a nightmare now. On my way out of Bombay airport, the happy dude (who was a round, trade commissioner or something from Europe/North America- won't say anymore) gave me his card, asked me to give him a call if I wanted to get dinner, winked at me and left. A bit ewww! The serious guy was nicer and clearly very sharp. We spoke a bit, and then he gave me his card, asking me to stay in touch (and not so he could do dinner with me- not only am I much younger, but he's totally out of my league). He turned out to be the ex-Head of a large firm and now runs another reasonably big firm. By the end of it, I liked the serious guy way more than the happy one. Sort of inspiring! You know, when you work in the world of business, corporate and all, its difficult to not turn into a freak if you don't occasionally run in to inspiring people like these.


Mum leaves for the States tonight. Its the first time I can't think of what she should bring back for me. I was there only early last month, so I did stock up on Express blouses, sweet smelling slippery smooth lotions from B&BW and VS and lost titles from little known publishing houses. While I'm on that, I picked up a book called "Lets call the whole thing off" from Brussels airport. Its a collection of stories on Love Quarrels- not just boy-girl love, but even best friends, partners in same sex relationships, and parents. Any way, I'll decide closer to the date, but as of now, I can't think of anything I really need or want.


Plus, I started Yoga. You know, to get a Jennifer Aniston type of Yoga-body. I'm about 18 kilos away but I'm hopeful. Ok, not 18 kilos but easily 10. I AM about a stone lighter than I was a year back, but that's not enough to keep me happy. I don't like stick-thin though. I like it on firang bodies but Indian bodies look nicer fuller. Any way I',m not much into how people look. I find perfectly fat people attractive too. What I don't like is the unfit-types. Like the guy who promptly runs towards the couch in the restaurant, and plonks himself there. He literally needs to be extracted out of his seat as he clearly doesn't see a reason to move his ass once he's fit it firmly (firmly?) into the couch. I like fit- fit is hot! Obessive is not. I once used to have a really good friend who would often comment on even the slightest gain in my weight- in an almost disdainful way. Like I was gaining weight because I was unfit, lazy or a glutton! Any way, this one was quite a bitch at times.

The boys (they're actually chicks but its too SATC types to say that, so I call them boys)and I are planning a weekend thing, to do a repeat of Pondicherry. We owe it to the world. I don't think I've said it in so many words, but my school friends are filled with awesomeness. They're quite a solid lot.

Overall, I'm in a bit of a spot. Most of life is great. Rather, life these days is more exciting than I had ever wanted it to be. I mean, I always wanted life in my twenties to be one hell of a ride, and I think this is the point when I can say I'm there. It reminds me of Veronika Decides to Die....just like her, I have it quite nice these days (touchwood!!!)....the only difference being that I don't plan on OD-ing on sleeping pills.

Its probably the right time to listen to All Summer Long.

Such lack of talent

The firm will be sad to know that diligent and earnest Megha spent half her day bloghopping. In my defence (not that they will ever ask), I finished my work well in time, left work at 4:30 pm, got my eyebrows done, worked a bit more, and managed all that alongside.

Most blogs I read were written by women. It appears women mostly write about 3 things: Themselves, relationships (and sex) and Feminism. At the same time, men write petromax stuff (term borrowed from Skimpy), funny posts, comments on cricket, the stock market and how its principles can be applied to other things in life, thoughts on politics, algorithms on the possible result of the massive political drama.

I guess I'm generalizing, and I admit it. Especially, since I'm generalizing without judging (how annoyingly neutral can a girl try to be).

Just random thoughts on what I can write about (because I have opinions on them, and NOT because of moral blah)

* I don't think I can write about relationships, not the boy-girl types any way
* I can totally write (and dream, and salivate) about clothes and shoes. (P.S. I love this one and this one)
* I can't write movie reviews but I can write about any (ANY) Hindi song
* I can do food and books
* I can do personality tpes
* I can so do travel, even with my eyes closed
* I can so not write about sex, even if I try, or even if someone dictates. My lack of opinion on the subject will flow through even then
* I can totally do loneliness
* I can't do politics (I lurrrve politics, but have no skill in writing about it)
* I can do music
* I can do random ramblings, just like this one


Ok, AC just sent slides, so I'm off now, to work some more

Is believing in it the only way to have it

Its Saturday, 7th March. I’m standing on the lower half of the escalator, smiling because I’m nearly at the boarding gate # 47, 5 minutes before my flight is scheduled to depart from JFK airport for Delhi. I’m smilingly messaging my Manager that I made my flight and will be able to make the Monday morning meeting despite the flight goof up. I hear a distant rumbling sound but blame my senses for being tired after the frantic 2 hour dash from Newport to JFK, changing trains, fighting with a bunch of college boys over a taxi, and losing to them, finally getting a taxi at Christopher Street, then breaking down when the cab gets stuck in traffic 2 kms away from the airport, hunting for my suitcase in the baggage storage and finally giving up when the air train takes 5 minutes longer at Terminal 7, convincing me I’ll never reach T-8. The rumbling sound gets louder and I take a break from the blackberry to turn to see where its coming from. A big black suitcase is tumbling down the long escalator, looking bigger as it gets closer to my face. I turn around, and run down the escalator but the speed at which the sound gets louder is faster than mine. I barely manage to turn left on the last step of the escalator and miss the suitcase by an inch. Its about 4.5 minutes to my flight now and I’m sweating. The events of the last few days flash past me as I drag my slightly fearful body to gate # 47.

I stayed over at Iyer’s at Newport last night. We spent the evening yesterday with Rubber and Nithya at a Rissotto place on 6th Ave, after which we went over to play poker at Newport with a group of ex-IIM banker types. Iyer and I sat up all night, chatting about people, rather amusing ourselves with funny stories, and some times overwhelming stories about almost every individual we have in common

Before I met Iyer last evening, I was in Manhattan. I was going to spend only a day in New York. I spent the afternoon with Ahmed. I met him at the airport waiting for the sky train- we both found each other looking familiar- he offered to help me find my way from JFK to Manhattan. Ahmed was nice- he’s a second generation Indian living in the States, a medicine student now doing his PhD, and works at the airport part time. We spent an hour on the train, stopped at Grand Central and then hung out at Times Square. I mentioned I love Dunkin Donuts so we spent another 30 minutes looking for quintessential American coffee. We eventually settled on Starbucks where we spoke about our lives, backgrounds, stories, favourite evenings, current relationship status, interests outside of work, food we liked and favourite places in the world. He asked me if the India I live in is actually what they show in movies like Fashion. In our conversations, I lost two Metro cards, dropped my bag a few times and almost got run over. Each time we crossed the streets of Manhattan he would hold my hand, chiding me hopelessly for not looking before crossing, as if he knew I had been a careless pedestrian my whole life. He knew I had plans to meet Iyer that evening so at about half past six, we said good bye to each other, not excchanging contact details and still not imagining how two complete strangers ended up spending half a day in NYC together, grinning more than laughing throughout.

Yesterday, morning of 6th March, I finished 7 days of training in Miami, which is another interesting account of how a firm can manage to recruit people, across 40 offices, all of whom have so many characteristics in common, and get them together in one place.

On 27th Feb, BB and I reached Miami after ~30 hours of flying from Delhi to Miami, via Brussels and NYC. I was generally kicked about the whole trip because of all the niceness the trip was filled with. To start with, this was the first time since Bali that BB and I were travelling together. Also, both of us had managed to upgrade ourselves to First Class, which I have to say is an altogether different level of luxury, and I’m afraid is sort of a forbidden fruit. And then the goodness started to follow.

At the immigration check in Delhi airport, the officer gave me a verbal pat on my back for not fleeing India to earn in dollars overseas. Then on our way, I met a lovely American lady who didn’t hesitate to complement me on my henna. The immigration officer at JFK looked serious, but did mumble a ‘That’s’ some smile’ when I flashed all 32 teeth into the immigration check camera; another African American dude curiously asked BB and me about the Henna and whether I had got married recently; Finally, after collecting my bags at JFK and before I boarded the flight to Miami I was held up randomly for special baggage screening. The officer was ~24 years old, cute with South Asian features, and clearly amused at the condition I had kept my passport in. BB thought he was cute too. I didn't know if he was Indian but remembered reading a Muslim name on his badge- Akbar or may be Ahmed. We left, smiling to ourselves for having had a great onward journey to the States.

I’m now on my way back, lying on a flat bed in Jet First, probably flying somewhere over the North Atlantic. Every one around me is asleep. I’m wide awake, wondering if life can either be easy or interesting. The Dev D soundtrack is in my ears.

Top 5 this moment

Believe, sunshine, rescue, coffee, call with CFO

Thought

Heero se, talwaron se, na oonchi dewaroon sein, roke gaye na logo se, yaar ja mile yaaron se

Listening to Ding Dong from Hero

Delhi 6

Yeh sheher nahi mehfil hai.

I can't think of a better time for Dilli 6 songs- Vani gets married next weekend, most of my friends are in Delhi and its February.

Met with 15 old friends at Turquoise Cottage, at a mini reunion. Went back all the way to school days- where the most beautiful relationships were made. I went to the Army Public School, which churns out surprisingly smart women and refreshingly different men, year after year. My closest relationships are still the ones I made back then. Baby Singh and I have been friends for 16 years. I have known Mrinal (who did a surprise visit at TC) since I was 4!!

Sunday morning was productive - I finally got all my outfits done for the wedding. So I haven't bought any of the sequined, net, shiny, lehengas, in pinks or yellows. That's exactly the reason it took me so long to get something in place. Wherever I went, I was shown outfits I wouldn't wear for my own wedding. But now I'm done, with 3 nice outfits. All tailor made! For the Sangeet, I'll be wearing a gold halter blouse with a long, flowing skirt in midnight blue. For the Chruch wedding, its a dress in wine- this was straight forward. I bought it in London a few months back. And for the reception, I'm wearing a brocade lehenga in red, with a plain red blouse (with 2 strings holding the back together), and a transparent dupatta. No embroidery, sequins and all that. Very simple, but just what I wanted for Vani's wedding. Very Delhi! Not the loud, neon coloured Delhi. The understated yet power-packed Delhi I grew up in

This morning, I left home for work at 7:45 am, drove through the foggy highway and got here well in time.

I just sent out a few key messages, and decided to take 15 minutes out to scribble this out.

Here are my favorite pics of Dilli 6 (pics I took, that is).

Lots of love (bas ishq, mohabbat, pyaar)