Happy Diwali

Happy Diwali!

Its Diwali eve. I'm back in India, and sitting alone in my apartment in Gurgaon. I was at mum and dad's place last night but decided to spend a night alone. Peepu is in the hills with his family.

I realize growing up really brings with it these physical and psychological changes. I chose to be alone tonight. I miss being with mum and dad, but also feel like this evening was much needed.

The windows are open, and the whole city is beautifully lit. Even Gurgaon looks beautiful. I spent the evening at Harpreet's place, chatting over scotch and sausages. Sumit is out, so I have the apartment to myself.

I'm listening to my fave playlist, and just happy with this moment. I was going to say joy, but no- comfort is a better word. There is comfort in being INFP.

Most of my posts are about love, travel, and loneliness- no?

So let me write what is on my mind, when love is away, there is no travel for the next *two* days and I'm alone.

*I have a friend's facebook profile open on the next tab. She started fun, went to cool, went to 'statement cool', traveled the whole world- to an extent I can't imagine can be fun, went about getting experiences you read about in Chicken Soup etc, and got ALL of them, and now updates her fb status every 15 minutes. No reactions. Just puzzled.

*I'm listening to Mary Hopkins's 'Those were the days'. Papa used to sing this to us when we girls. He gave it a lot of emotion. I used to start crying at the end, because I didn't think good things should go

*I got a lot of respect at work today. I secretly cried

*Women- these days they all want to look the same. Film stars, friends, colleagues....straight hair, bright coloured dresses, expensive stilletoes and thin arched eyebrows. I find being run of the mill scary. I like maintaining my individuality though it makes me 'less pretty'

*I hate people who judge/taunt children under the age of 18. I think its unfair and morally wrong. I was a victim and spent my initial few post-18 years defying in ways I could have avoided

*Madonna looks fabulous without a bra. I wish I could too. If I go without a bra, I would stop traffic!

*On Monday morning, Peepu and I leave a 7 day road trip in Rajasthan. Its why I love him! Just that I really want 7 days of being on the road with him. A week of driving, stopping by at lavish, semi-lavish and run down places, and just everything else

*I miss Vani being around more often

*My blog is public but so safe. I love my visitors,. Even the passers-by, who don't even read

Happy Diwali folks. I'm listening to Is it time, by the Eagles, and slowly drifting.

Loneliness is my fave drink

Its nice to be wearing music in my ears and staring at a bunch of strangers on Boylston Street. I'm in Starbucks for lunch and coffee, doing what I'm best at- typing away!

I just finished 2 decks this morning, and have nearly pulled 14 hours of work this weekend, but still feel surprisingly refreshed! I was to be in Boston only 2 weeks this time, but a few things came up and I decided to extend by 6 days. Of course, as I walk through these streets, sit in these coffee shops, buy beautiful clothes, my heart only sinks deeper, as the person who makes it all worth while is back home, cheerfully living his life! I'm happy he can be on his own, just the way I can. I'm happy we miss each other, but don't pine. We go days without speaking for more than 5 minutes, because we aren't great on the phone. Yet, our thoughts are with each other all day. I'm happy we're happy to do this. We wouldn't have chosen each other otherwise.

I was first here in Boston 4 years back, exactly the same time of the year. I remember stopping for a second at this coffee shop to wear some Mascara, at ~8 in the evening. That;s how long my association with this city is. This year, I first visited in May. Its October now. I have spent most of the summer and fall here. its going to be Winter soon. I know I've been here a while now- strangers ask me how to get around, and locals greet me like they know me well. I've found my own coffee shop here. I've found my favorite book store. I have a routine here!

And then in a few days, I will be back at the airport, where again, I'll have a routine. I didn't know it till a fellow passenger(CEO of big, heavy machinery firm in India) pointed it out. From knowing where to buy food for the flight, to be certain I won't have flight food even in First class; from knowing where to stock away my shoes to knowing the exact incline I want on my flat bed to setting an in-flight alarm to wake up and get to my computer- I have a routine! The sky is home :)

This year I've seen it all- India - Brighton - Paris - Amsterdam - Raleigh/Durham - New York - Los Angeles - Delhi -Koh Chang - Bangkok - Hyderabad - Bombay - Goa - Boston - Vermont - Houston - New Orleans - Road trip through Texas, Louisiana, Mississipi, Alabama - New York - Richmond - Delhi - Kerala - Boston - Minneapolis (tomorrow!)- I get tired but I love it. I thank the universe for letting me have this, because its what truly makes me happy.

I'm engaged- it happened, not surprisingly, at Terminal 3! I love the man I'm going to marry. However, with that comes a fear of losing this drink called loneliness.

I'm very comfortable, and often ecstatic when I'm alone. I often like strangers more than people I know. Thankfully people, Peepu is exactly the same. And thus, we both continue to live in 2 different parts of the world and enjoy being much in love with each other. He's in Delhi, I'm in Boston; he's getting ready to go to bed, while I'm sipping my afternoon coffee. We haven't spoken in 2 days, but we dropped each other email notes. We're alone, away form each other, but we haven't replaced each other with new people....just one old friend- and he's called loneliness.

The music is Piano Man.

P.S. I realize this is a long free fall of thoughts on my key board. For once, I made no typos while I typed this out (except may be Mississippi).

Thank you!

Some days like these, when despite all my efforts, things don’t work out, for reasons unknown to me, and beyond my control to the extent I can imagine. I was weak this morning, unhappy, because I put my life and soul in to something. And people in positions of power, came and snatched it away. Not my work, not the acknowledgement- all that is still with me. But my confidence, my pride and my strength.

I’m still thankful. To mentors who stood by me. To friends who diverted my mind. To family, that didn’t call, because they knew I was constrained. And to you, my love…my life, for standing by me. For messaging me knowing I wouldn’t respond. For staying awake so you could try me later in my day. For still smilingly sleeping, though I wasn’t able to talk. For declaring you were angry for me. For softening entirely in your messages. For reminding me of a wonderful life of togetherness that beckons. For making me secure. For convincing me I was right.

I’m madly in love with you. Like I’ve never loved a man before. And I wouldn’t trade this for the universe and another half of it…

I’m going out with the girls for a drink. Some local Boston bar. My mind, my heart and my senses are with you. Thank you for helping me get through this day.

I'm listening to Sugarland, Stuck on you

Boston: And just a few more days

7:44 am on the clock. In a few minutes I'll be ready to leave for work. I'm sitting at my desk- with my hair up, a white towel wrapped around me, a just-brewed cup of black coffee next to me, but with no thoughts in my head. There's a mirror on one side and I confess I look pretty in white and in less.

I'm outside of Boston, in a small suburb. In just a few days, I'll leave this place, and won't be back for a while. Until then, let me love the solitude I have. Let me love the loneliness. I once I wrote I love lonely people.....I still do. We need the rest of the world a lot less.


U2 plays on the computer. One.

Boston: Deja Vu

"Engineer, computers, I assooom"

I reply..

"No. Business.

I advise your management on how to make better business decisions. Some times I'm better placed to make not only better, but stronger business decisions. Yeah, they get me all the way from India to do that !!"


All right, you have a nice day too, Mr [Immigration officer, taxi driver, random stranger at JFK]. And I don't know shit about computers.

Listening to Pyar pyar by Apache Indian

One rainy day in Bombay

After an insanely busy week of travelling across the country, my last vendor visit, planned unexpectedly, brought me to Bombay. Spending my last Friday away from home wasn’t a great idea but then Peepu and I synchronized our work schedules and decided to stay back in Bombay on Friday night and even spend some time with Vani and Nobbie.

Done with the visit by 2:30, Rachana and I decided to hang at a coffee shop at Bandra, catch up on work, send out emails and for most part, chat about everything- once again! Soon Peepu and Vani joined us and we all agreed Hard Rock Café for the evening plan. Rachana was going to turn up with her friends.

We went to Vani’s place and sent our last set of mails. Work was finally done by 11:00 pm- the promise of an evening with Peepu, Vani and Nobbie kept me smiling through.

Hard Rock was great! It wasn’t packed the way it usually is. Between several rounds of beer, their signature (and awfully unhealthy) nachos, occasional dancing, smoke breaks in the rain, we were a happy lot. Somewhere in between Peepu told me he got a good deal at the Grand Maratha and we could in fact stay the night there. That’s where we headed at night.

I don’t remember when I crashed but the next I saw the world was at noon today. Our flight wasn’t until 6:00 pm. The downpour in Bombay made heading back to Vani’s side of town difficult. In stead, we decided to laze around for a bit, and then head out to Bandra.
As I looked out of the window, the weather outside was simply beautiful! Very lazily we got out of bed, showered and checked out.

While waiting for the cab at the hotel, we sat down for coffee too. I ordered my new fave dessert- Panacotta (with Strawberry). Our cab arrived soon. Merely driving around the very green past of town, amidst very slow traffic and heavy showers, we managed to catch up on a tonne of conversation. During this time, we stopped at Aquamarine to buy me a pretty silver necklace. We couldn’t escape the rain! Wearing a white romper in this weather wasn’t the best idea but with Peepu with me, I didn’t care much.

We ate at Café Basilico. This time, the conversations were much louder since the sound of the heavy rain on the make-shift plastic roof overpowered every other sound. During this time, Peepu suggested I consider visiting California instead of NYC in the 4 days between NO and Virginia- yay for the new plan! Oh, and at Basilico, sitting next to us was Amisha Patel! Surprisingly, she is pretty! With no makeup on, and in a casual singlet with slacks, she looked absolutely stunning. P.S: So sad these beautiful people complicate their lives- I don’t like what I read about her anger management issues and family troubles.

Our day in the city ended with lunch- we set off for the airport soon after. Not comfortable with the stares at my hardly modest clothes, I pulled out a shirt to cover myself up. Peepu and I stopped at the book store. He bought, I looked. I picked up coffee from the airport cafe. The new airport is beautiful- the emptiness of it made it feel very private to us.

I’ve put down a lot of detail above. I can’t get enough of this one very rainy day. I got 24 hours with people I love an awful lot. It was easy and breezy. We are going through a turbulent patch on the flight. My hand is in Peepu’s. His nose is buried in his India today. I have music in my ears. Chor Bazaari from Love Aaj Kal- coincidence!!

Do it, Shut it, Forget it?

Following on from my last post, some times I wish i could just do it, shut it and forget it. I'm talking about work.

I have nothing to complain about at work- its busy but its dynamic. And it gives me so much confidence, and exposure that I can't undermine. But it also comes at costs. Like this constant feeling that something needs to be done. The heart thumps like I would imagine a surgeon's would. And I'm not doing anything world changing. I'm only sitting at the Leela, having sent all my mails out, wondering what else needs to be done. I don't think it works this way from everyone. So in case,any of 4-5 readers know of a shrink or self-help group, please send me their number.

In other news, I got signed up for this training, which is considered to be a 'matter of honour' at many offices, but also means I'm now away for a month. I love it but I don't want it always. So in the next few weeks, there's going to be many blog posts (since I trust face book less, and have also been accused of opening my whole life out there)- one for each place I visit.

Here's my itinerary (starting last Saturday:)): Boston-Delhi-Bangalore-Hyderabad-Bangalore (today)-Bombay (12 hours) -Delhi (stopover)-Boston-Caribbean islands (hopeful)- Boston-Houston-New Orleans-New York- Virginia-Delhi-Kovalam -Delhi (final stop!)

My lovely friends, please hope it all goes well and I come back smiling to my world of family, love and plenty of joy.

Up in the air

There’s a strange sense of confidence that is taking over me.

I’m at the Admiral’s club at Chicago, on my way back from Boston, to Delhi. I usually like waddling around the airport but my eyes needed rest. I lost my glasses and my contact lenses can take me only so far. Hence, I’m blurry eyed while lenses soak up some moisture in their little case. Given the life I have come to live, a temporarily limited vision is soothing. For some time, I can’t see too well, the movement around me. Despite the sound, I feel alone, and peaceful. Opportune for writing ;)

The last few months have been very significant for me. I have worked harder than ever, and almost selflessly. My client is in the U.S, so at my peak, I have done three return trips in one month. I have worked 23 hours on more than just a few days. I have seen Peepu less than 3 days this month. All this, with no apparent benefit in sight, but then also no need for benefit. I’m highly self-inspired at this stage, with no clarity on what I want out of future but relentless effort to keep the juices flowing.

I spent some beautiful days in Boston, including some magical weekends of sunshine, heavy reading and conversations with myself. As I spend time alone happily, I inspire myself further, as I increasingly find my own company fantastic. Of course, I have met friends on the way too- like running in to Rahim at Chicago airport, or momentarily re-connecting with an old love through a chance meeting at Brussels, or sharing Wine and calamari with Rachana and Amrita at Newbury street, or just this morning, walking down Cambridge, along the river, again with Amrita. But even in all these, there’s been an increasing amount of connect with my own self too.

And back home, things have been amazing fun. The more we stay apart, the better our times together are. Of course this can’t happen indefinitely but we know it won’t. Earlier this month, when I returned from the States, we spent an fun weekend in Delhi itself- doing nothing but chilling like the old times, running from bar to restaurant chasing chilled beer and coastal food and crappy movies. We spent last weekend (Saturday and Satur-night- since I flew out on Sunday) in Goa. It was with the family this time- with the Parents, Vani and Nobbie. The weather sucked but between the world cup semi-final (remember, I flew out and missed the final), Goan pork sausages and more beer, we were a happy set.


The other thing I have seen a lot of in the last few months is old friends. School friends, flatmates, old love, past flings, mentors and more! It’s brilliant what time can do. It makes me love my life! And for most of it, I want to keep these connections alive because they matter- if not in their old form, definitely in their new form.

I guess this is a safe place to say I’ve reached my equilibrium. I’m, at a comfortable pace, making my goals happen and developing newer targets. I don’t want to touch this any further!

The music is Amelie

If ...

Chandni's blog is always so much fun. Saw this on her blog and decided its time for some self-love


If I were a month, I’d be October
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Friday
If I were a time of day, I’d be 10:00 pm.
If I were a season, I’d be Summer! Lots of sunshine with me.
If I were a planet, I’d be Earth
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a neon-coloured fish
If I were a direction, I’d be East
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a Garden Chair!
If I were a liquid, I’d be Guinness
If I were a tree, I’d be one with flowers. Japanese Cherry Blossom?
If I were a tool, I’d be a Swiss army knife
If I were an element, I’d be Platinum
If I were a gemstone, I’d be a single diamond or many many coloured stones
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be Bagpipes
If I were a color, I’d be White
If I were an emotion, I’d be Ecstasy
If I were a fruit, I’d be an Apple
If I were a sound, I’d be the sound of rain drops
If I were a car, I’d be a Pontiac
If I were food, I’d be a coconut ice cream
If I were a taste, I’d be bitter sweet
If I were a scent, I’d be Ralph Lauren Romance (Chypre)
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be Jute Wedges (not cork, jute!)
If I were a bird, I’d be a Phoenix
And last but not the least, if I were you, I’d post a comment on how lovely I am

The song is Don Henley's Boys of Summer

I could have done with the 'that' throughout this post

Its 11:42 pm. I'm back in Delhi after an extremely wasteful trip to Hyderabad, and possibly even my last trip for a while now. Peepu's in the next room, talking to this manager. I'm thinking about what I want to write here. So let it be what's on my mind now.


.....that even though I love my single life in this beautiful apartment, I miss evenings with mum and dad

.....that there's little out there which brings more joy than knowing I'm back and not alone

.....that I believe in what I do

.....that I believe I'm still made for more

.....that I did 60 surya namaskars today

.....that there are no options other than speaking the truth

.....that I got a dhaba to make tawa sabsi and chicken with less oil for me

.....that I personally love Hyderabad and would settle there if there was some more diversity

.....that I don't need sunshine to make me smile

.....that life in general, is a little more than awesome

.....that its Thursday night, and I'm looking forward to an awesome sleep

.....that my maid will wake me up in the morning and I need to increase her salary soon

The music is Poison Prince

People at work

Hahaha, so Sai just told me people at work read my blog :o

Sweeties, if you're reading this: what have I ever hidden from you? Any way, good to know- keep reading and following my life :)

Lots of love,

Megha

P.s: You know you should we working right now. Get cracking!

Difficult days

And when real shit happens, during conflicts between what is right vs real and easy (and real easy), I close my eyes and wonder: how would *** have dealt with this situation?

I guess that's my loyalty, separating the good from the bad, and continuing to value, preserve and practice what was good.

Singing the song, singing this is the life

Good morning weekend. So I finally have pictures of my house to share on this space. Of course, I have more news: Just when I moved to my own place, lots else changed, which makes me nervous. I'll keep filling you in as and when things happen.....Gosh, that's my life.

Any way, that will come in piece meal.

I saw Love, Sex aur Dhoka last night and didn't think it was bad at all. There was of course the 'what's the point of it' reaction, but I never expect movies to make a point. If they can entertain me enough, or show me a new and effective form of storytellingc(as was done here), I'm satisfied. The topics were intense but not surprising. The actors were fabulous. I wish the Kareenas and Katrinas would see them.....would put them to shame.

Its the weekend, so I should have weekend plans too. Well at this moment, the flatmate is in Australia, the boyfriend and I are sitting at the dining table, with tons of sunlight coming through, him watching some stupid videos and me writing this post.

I'm happy its summer. I love summer. Its bright, sunny, colourful and I can wear what I want. On that note, I went to Cotton's last Sunday and broke my shopping resolve. Harem pants in many many colours, bright backless summer tops, what was not to love. So a part of my weekend plan is to wear these nice clothes.

It was the firm's community day yesterday. We went to a co-ed school in Islampur to paint their walls and make educational charts for them. I don't believe its very effective but I loved it just because I got to meet the little girls, we put up a performance and shared chocolates too.

Finally, here are some pictures of me and my life. Its funny, I feel safer posting here than on facebook.....

Lots of love,

alone

There are days when something's on my mind. I just decide to sleep over it as i know the next morning will be bright enough to make them seem small. So I turn on my side, think about bright sunshine and start to drift into sleep. Then, there are some of these days, when a few minutes after i turn on my side, I feel tears trickling down my face. Lets not talk about it any more

Announcing the 3rd big change.....

I have my own apartment!

Ok, so I share it with someone, but after over 2 years of living at home, I've moved out. Of course, I was more than happy living with the parents, who are awesome by the way. But I decided I need to learn to pay bills, clean my room, fold my own clothes, spend nights alone, share a glass of wine with myself, and hence, I did it.

The house: 3 bed rooms, beautiful, lots of natural light
The flatmate: Seems like fun so far. It helps that he's not desi, so my life's easier
The boyfriend: Now 12 kms closer
The job: Again, 12 kms closer

I gotta feeling, that this one's going to be awesome!

Three big changes

Hello! Its Holi and I'm not celebrating. I don't mind celebrating once in a while but these days I really don't have many friends around who I'd enjoy playing with. Glass half full: I got my whole Monday to myself, with lots of chatting with mum and Dad, good food, plenty of zzzzz, and now 2 sets of work-outs in front of me.


So I decided to write because I'm experiencing a strange sense of pride. Now I'm not always larger than life and do have some small, cheap thrills too. Today, this relates to recent ka-chings. I have, recently, been excess-ing the shopping behaviour without even realizing the extent of the excess. I reached a point where my credit card bill for January reached over many lakhs, of which a large part was expensible but the rest was just my disposable income being handed over to evil hands like Bebe, Express and Nordstrom. I realized this 7 days back and decided to cut back on all expenses significantly, including indulgences beyond clothes and shoes. I'm happy I haven't used my credit card once since last monday and I don't intend to either. While saving money is the most obvious consequence, here are some other unintended benefits (and fallouts):

* Got a lot more sleep as all those afternoons I spend in shopping centers were saved
* Read a lot more, including Willian Dalrymple's Nine Lives
* Snooped around many many people of Facebook (hence, the use of the word fallouts)
* Re-visited the joys of Priya Cinema. This was not as straight forward. Mum wanted to watch KCK. We usually watch movies at Select City Walk or Ambience. This time, I had to avoud all temptations and hence, booked tickets at Priya.
* Exercised my brain a lot more- Peepu's in Miami and I need to think of things he can do on his free day, which don't involve shopping for me

1 week good going, lets see how this turns out.

The second big change in life has been straightening my eating habits. Now if you know me closely you'll know how I' ve tried every dieting tip and trick that exists. I'm not even close to fat, but of course, I have some excess all around. I'm maniacal about exercise but that's not enough and I do try to accelerate all efforts by introducing nasty diet regimes in between. Except that, after my stay at Ananda, I stopped it. I eat in the morning, have fewer cups of coffee during the day, have a filling lunch and ease out towards the end of the day. I haven't bothered checking the weighing scale but I can feel a lot more energy. Hopefully, this will go good too!

Finally, there's one more change which I'm shhhh about. It'll be final on Wednesday, after which I'll post it here but until then wait.

By the way, I didn't like Karthik Calling Karthik a bit. I was hoping for a colourful, fun and games sort of movie, and not another one about schizophrenics. Both issues close to my heart, but we need a halt to movies on schizophrenia and treatment of muslims in post-9/11 America and other such done to death issues

Some times all I want to write about....

.... is being loud enough to bring the building down.

The music is Bad Company

White foam….

….On my legs, my feet, the rest of me, as I lie in the hot tub, overlooking a Himalayan valley from my window, nearly falling asleep from the intense smell of the shower wash. I’m at Ananda for a day and I’m loving it.

We met Sophiya on our train here. She is Greek but lives in Manhattan, and now working with an NGO down South. She used to be a lawyer in one of the bigger Law firms in London, nearing a Partner promotion, when she decided she didn’t like it and moved in to the NGO space. She had 2 rough weeks and decided to take a break, here in Ananda- 5 days alone, with a box full of books. I want to be a woman like her. In the little time I knew her, I was inspired. Not because she left her job, but because she came here by herself, spent a bomb but did it because she loves herself.

The man who made this place had foresight because this place can make the worst of us want to cleanse ourselves. When I got here, I had a light meal after which I headed to my room for yoga. But today rather than doing the warm-up in my room, I ran 2 kms, along the path that encircles this marvellous piece of land. I came back, opened the windows, took my top off and continued my yoga. Quite a happy switch no, that just a month back I had wind blowing on my face while I did yoga, facing the Marina, the lavish swimming pool and a grand view of Los Angeles. Today, I could hear my breath in silence that dominated the balcony facing the deep Himalayan valley. (I’ll attach photos tomorrow)

When I finished my workout, I decided to step into the foamy bathtub. I had a magazine to read but it soon lots its relevance as the white foam took over my thoughts and sent me back a few weeks, months and years.

While I was living these last few years, I knew these were years that should be recorded, which is why I first started this blog. It’s unfortunate that my work didn’t let me keep this up and I’ve missed recording the best few months. I haven’t been entirely aloof and did update this space with the significant happenings in life. But there has been more.

There have been

• Professional ups and downs, with work improving significantly in the second half of last year, but depressing me lately, due to lack of inspiration
• Personal highs: What can I say here? I’ve never been closer to my family, my friends are all here with me and I’m hopelessly in love
• Weight loss and weight gain and weight loss: A monthly subscription to Prevention magazine, obsessively collecting health articles, a sporadic exercise regime and I’m still at it
• Plenty of travel including London, Paris, Amsterdam, Brighton, Raleigh, New York, Los Angeles and soon Thailand- Like I never imagined! It’s been on since November and like its never been. I’ve loved every bit of it though there have been lonely moments and tiring moments.
• Old relationships getting significantly stronger (touchwood!!!)
• Passion in our wanderings, intense days, romantic evenings, sleepy nights: They say good friends make good lovers and I’m all for it! In between our intense working schedules, we’ve managed it all, including an evening best remembered for 1 tiny joint, 36 chicken wings and a hostel room in Amsterdam that said: Some salt, sugar?
• Most importantly, the feeling that I’m no longer running away from the past. A few events in the past pulled me down and made it difficult for me to live well. Today I own my past and I’m in control of the impact it has on me. When the past faces me, I look at it and smile, almost condescendingly, converse with it and ask to be excused, leaving no form of regret behind. When I turn to leave, I can feel the big black beast still looking at me, hoping I’ll weaken. What a feeling… Of course, I’ve never felt better about having a middle finger !

On the side, I’ve started building a travel diary. It’s no different from a blog, but here I write more. I write about places I visit, people I meet, my emotional frame, my physical feelings, my thoughts, observations and points of view.

Finally, this post is dedicated to Thakore, who pushed me to write again

And for old times' sake, the music is Time After Time