Free people

I just lived the perfect weekend! A great mix of old and new friends, one Tam wedding, moments of love with Peepu, pesto chicken (again for Peepu), a solitary cup of black coffee in the quiet, lonely cafe over a quick Ruskin Bond story.

It was the wedding of one of my very dear friends. It started as any association would- perchance, through common connections, but over time, he has become very special to me. I (consciously) made very few friends in business school, and most of them were at the wedding. I also met, after five years, an old flame. It brought with it some reminders, and more importantly the great feeling of not regretting what you did earlier. Not feeling guilty, nor sorry, not apologetic. I'm sure he felt the same way. Live really does go on, and it must!

I have been heart-broken once in my life. It burnt me. I felt helpless and wronged. But its moments like today that help me realize that the wrong-doer is rarely focused on doing any wrong to any one. The 'wrong doer' is only trying to free themselves. And in that process, they may hurt or even break a few people. But a few years down the line, once the dust has settled and you- the 'wrong doer'-are forgiven. And just in that spirit, for all the times I have been miserable for being wronged, I'm going to continue to pride myself over the 'wrongs' I have done. Unfortunately, most personal associations don't come with a contract or rules of engagement. Broken hearts are a hazard of such associations. A few years back, I let go of the disappointment of a broken heart and freed myself of any malice, or even emotions towards the person who had 'wronged' me. It was just as important to free myself of any guilt of having 'wronged' some one too. The meeting this morning reaffirmed my confidence in freeing ourselves of all sorts of guilt.

Isn't guilt a self-inflicted trap? I'm human. I make errors. I'm no genius. Nor do I ever aspire to be. If I make errors, my reasonably intelligent brain directs me to correct them. In this process of correction, some people get hurt. In stead of priding myself over fixing the situation, I chide myself silly for the accidental hurt it causes. Whoa! This is SO unlike me. Yet, I like the sound of it. This deserves to be added to my resolutions for the year: don't die in guilt.

I'm watching Peepu. He's lying on the couch and drifting in to sleep. Soon I'll have to wake him up, ask him to put the laundry out, change and then come to bed. There's joy in that trouble too. Each moment is precious. I guess that is how marriage is different: each moments brings with it more love, intimacy and unfortunately dependence. After very long, today I went to a cafe by myself. The fact that it felt incomplete only made me want to chest bump myself for having been a super single trooper. I can see why some single people pine for such intimacy. Its because its awesome- it really is. And at the same time, I was pretty neat (and dirty) single-ette who rarely wanted any of this, and carried along with sun shining on her shoulders!

Here's to a glorious past and a blissful present. Love.

Prayers

Just landed in Bangalore. One of those times when at 1130 in the morning, I'm at the Windsor, because our meetings are only in the evening.

I don't have much to write. I just heard the awful news about one of my seniors having cancer. I won't say much because a) I heard from some one else and b) I don't want to share any more information on her. I just feel terrible and I'm praying for her. When you've been out of touch for several years, that is probably the most you can do. I hope she recovers- because she deserves to

Out with the old

Happy new year! Been a while but it sounds like I'm going to be more regular here now. Why? Because I'm no longer on facebook. After trying multiple levels of privacy and contemplating deactivation a number of times, I've finally snapped the rope. Life was just too public and the charm was wearing off. I knew a lot about many people- almost as much as I would want to know. And nothing about them or anyone fascinates any more. Not because of something they did wrong, but because its all out there. And somewhere I suspect that is equally true of my life. I need to look forward to my friends and not preempt or second guess their lives. I need to live my life because I want to, and not because someone will see it on facebook and 'like' it. Peepu did it. Then, I did it.

What's in store for this year? I can hardly believe we're already 9 days in to it. I think this year may be more promising than last year. While last year brought with it marriage in my personal life and a promotion in my profession, this year will be when i celebrate the marriage even more and get me closer to my long term professional goals.

A big start has been on some resolutions. I'll post them only on this blog. Here's my resolutions note- written on the 1st of Jan. I've kept them on track the first week and aspire to follow them at least 3 weeks a month.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


My resolutions for this year~

A happy new year to everyone! Wish everyone a ton of happiness, satisfaction, fabulousness, fitness, adventure, love, bliss, good health and some time for yourself! Above all, take it easy this year!

I have resolutions. But unlike other years where I have had an abysmal record of adhering to these, I have a plan to make these stick better. I’m going to refresh my resolutions at the end of every month to see how I’m doing and measure success month on month. A shorter time frame is easier to manage and frankly, gives one less space to postpone it into.

So here’s my set:

Maintain better mental and physical health
-Do yoga once every 2 days. I can replace this with other forms of exercise but its the least I would do
-Include meditation in to yoga
-De-stress and visit the spa more often
-Eat less meat, smoke less and drink less
-Sleep better!

Its obviously a less glamorous picture but its time to get my act together on the physical and mental richness with which we live

Strive for greater efficiency at work
-Cut out social networking sites at work (tough!!)
-Spend no more than 10 hours in office. Work from home for the latter

Cut out clutter from life
-Throw old clothes
-Cook on weekends + one week day (and for the rest, declutter and eat what is available)

Drop me your reactions....and help me revive this quiet space.

The music is Sheher main, from Rockstar