A world of our own

It’s a Sunday evening spent in Bombay. I’m sitting on the bed at the hotel, and Peepu is sitting on the couch facing me. We spent the weekend at Sula Vineyards. I visited after 4 years and its changed a bit, for the better. We didn’t get the private bungalow this time, but the small resort is just as lovely. The weather is just perfect! Its chilly, with a mild drizzle every now and then. Its green, and there’s a lake. I went biking, after 19 years, and wasn’t too bad at it. Fit as ever.

When we arrived at Sula on Saturday morning, we spent the first few hours cozying up in the room. Last weekend, I had force-shut the last season of Desperate Housewives before the last two episodes, only to save them for this weekend. It was one of the best finales I have seen. I think it was the underlying fun in even the most severe situations.

And now I’m facing a recurring and temporarily severe situation. Peepu leaves for Delhi in a few hours, and even though it’s a few days each week, it makes my heart sink. Or turn blue. Or something sad. I soon get to work…and then this short weekend, so much like a dream, will be over. Just a cold breeze, a late night walk in the vineyards, a few glasses of local wine, and sharing coffee in the balcony over a few songs….that’s all it was, but yet so precious.

I turned 29 this month. I can feel the age. It has brought so much experience, learning and goodness that I can only look forward to the years to come. I have pulled back a lot. I meet fewer people. I take fewer photos of myself. I shop less. I eat good food. I have brought back the music in to our days. I spend a lot of time outdoors, and even more in physically challenging my body’s limits. I have de-cluttered life- of people and things which weren’t adding much. Of course, there are many that do (people and things), and those stay in. And this way it works just fine. Tw!

The music is ‘Wonderful Wonderful’, all thanks to Desperate Housewives. And to Peepu, for making this life wonderful. Here’s a line for you… from the song and from our private lives

Some quiet evening, I sit by your side and we’re lost in a world of our own. I feel the glow of your unspoken love, I’m aware of the treasure that I own. And I say to myself, its wonderful, wonderful, oh so wonderful my love. 

Because some times you have the strength

I'm a guest on this blog now. I'm not here for long today. Just want a place to leave a smile. :)

A smile because after two rough days of getting mindfucked, I'm back in action. Its amazing how just a few hours back I was lethargic, lifeless and anxious. In huge part, thanks to Peepu was holding me together and myself for fighting back. Its true, there's little else which can provide an uplift like a few hours of exercise, a beer, music from school days and the support from a loved one.

Why mindfucked? No real reason. Everything's perfect on the surface, and even two-three levels down. Knock on wood! Just some days are crazy and they become frequent, and then frequently crazy.

The music is the Unforgiven, by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Very appropriate. An undeserving yet mildly disturbing situation can only be equated to this song

Women and me

So its holy and its international women's day! To me, its a mid-week holiday, a perfect spring evening, 7 pm, at my spot by the window, dusk glancing through, the warm yellow lamp providing me enough support so I can write. Its a few days like these, when I get time on the Mac. The Mac isn't a Mac in my life. Its sole purpose was for me to write. The Mac is the other side of my life.

Holi doesn't interest me much. It never has. I like the day primarily because the afternoons are all mine, since most places are deserted while the world sleeps the bhang off. I did get my beer this afternoon, along with a lot of playfulness, though color and water had little involvement.

Women's day has of course never been of much interest to me. It just never had much significance. I got thinking this afternoon. What does women's day mean to me? I'm all for women's rights but have been, touch wood, fortunate enough to have fantastic men in my life. These men have celebrated me! Every day around these men, my father, my husband, my past boyfriends, has been a celebration of me. Fortunate is right. So I'm all right. But this women's day, I started think of the women in my life. And I decided to write my wishes for them and myself

~True desire. Desire so intense, it makes you strong and driven enough to make the happiness yours
~Independence. Without freedom, the spirit is stifled. Live free. Remove all stereotypes, social expectations, pressures to be normal, or pressures to be unique, and just feel free. Free to roll along.
~Solitude. I've found myself to think deepest and clearest in times of solitude. I wish us all these special moments, which we must live only for ourselves. The power of solitary thinking is immense. Its a workout for my brain, and fuels problem solving and intelligent thinking
~Love. Unfortunately, love fosters dependence, and fear of loss. But there's a power in love. It cuts the rest of the world to size. or even smaller. A few moments of togetherness significantly alters my view of what is significant. I wish you the love you want...passion, calm, convenience, companionship, whichever works for you. But I do wish this for you, and every woman I know
~Strength to stand by yourself. I am no expert here (or on any of the above). But every time I see you move away from yourself, even a bit for your family, husband, society, mother in law, it breaks me. Don't change your job (unless you don't like it), don't change your last name, because its yours, whether you like it or not. Wear that little skirt. Break that fast if you're hungry. Pile on pounds. Stay unmarried. Stay single if that's what makes you happy. Kiss the girl. Marry outside your religion. DO what defines you. Chances are, people will get used to it. And the love will continue.


Have a happy life! To Megha and others around me.

Free people

I just lived the perfect weekend! A great mix of old and new friends, one Tam wedding, moments of love with Peepu, pesto chicken (again for Peepu), a solitary cup of black coffee in the quiet, lonely cafe over a quick Ruskin Bond story.

It was the wedding of one of my very dear friends. It started as any association would- perchance, through common connections, but over time, he has become very special to me. I (consciously) made very few friends in business school, and most of them were at the wedding. I also met, after five years, an old flame. It brought with it some reminders, and more importantly the great feeling of not regretting what you did earlier. Not feeling guilty, nor sorry, not apologetic. I'm sure he felt the same way. Live really does go on, and it must!

I have been heart-broken once in my life. It burnt me. I felt helpless and wronged. But its moments like today that help me realize that the wrong-doer is rarely focused on doing any wrong to any one. The 'wrong doer' is only trying to free themselves. And in that process, they may hurt or even break a few people. But a few years down the line, once the dust has settled and you- the 'wrong doer'-are forgiven. And just in that spirit, for all the times I have been miserable for being wronged, I'm going to continue to pride myself over the 'wrongs' I have done. Unfortunately, most personal associations don't come with a contract or rules of engagement. Broken hearts are a hazard of such associations. A few years back, I let go of the disappointment of a broken heart and freed myself of any malice, or even emotions towards the person who had 'wronged' me. It was just as important to free myself of any guilt of having 'wronged' some one too. The meeting this morning reaffirmed my confidence in freeing ourselves of all sorts of guilt.

Isn't guilt a self-inflicted trap? I'm human. I make errors. I'm no genius. Nor do I ever aspire to be. If I make errors, my reasonably intelligent brain directs me to correct them. In this process of correction, some people get hurt. In stead of priding myself over fixing the situation, I chide myself silly for the accidental hurt it causes. Whoa! This is SO unlike me. Yet, I like the sound of it. This deserves to be added to my resolutions for the year: don't die in guilt.

I'm watching Peepu. He's lying on the couch and drifting in to sleep. Soon I'll have to wake him up, ask him to put the laundry out, change and then come to bed. There's joy in that trouble too. Each moment is precious. I guess that is how marriage is different: each moments brings with it more love, intimacy and unfortunately dependence. After very long, today I went to a cafe by myself. The fact that it felt incomplete only made me want to chest bump myself for having been a super single trooper. I can see why some single people pine for such intimacy. Its because its awesome- it really is. And at the same time, I was pretty neat (and dirty) single-ette who rarely wanted any of this, and carried along with sun shining on her shoulders!

Here's to a glorious past and a blissful present. Love.

Prayers

Just landed in Bangalore. One of those times when at 1130 in the morning, I'm at the Windsor, because our meetings are only in the evening.

I don't have much to write. I just heard the awful news about one of my seniors having cancer. I won't say much because a) I heard from some one else and b) I don't want to share any more information on her. I just feel terrible and I'm praying for her. When you've been out of touch for several years, that is probably the most you can do. I hope she recovers- because she deserves to

Out with the old

Happy new year! Been a while but it sounds like I'm going to be more regular here now. Why? Because I'm no longer on facebook. After trying multiple levels of privacy and contemplating deactivation a number of times, I've finally snapped the rope. Life was just too public and the charm was wearing off. I knew a lot about many people- almost as much as I would want to know. And nothing about them or anyone fascinates any more. Not because of something they did wrong, but because its all out there. And somewhere I suspect that is equally true of my life. I need to look forward to my friends and not preempt or second guess their lives. I need to live my life because I want to, and not because someone will see it on facebook and 'like' it. Peepu did it. Then, I did it.

What's in store for this year? I can hardly believe we're already 9 days in to it. I think this year may be more promising than last year. While last year brought with it marriage in my personal life and a promotion in my profession, this year will be when i celebrate the marriage even more and get me closer to my long term professional goals.

A big start has been on some resolutions. I'll post them only on this blog. Here's my resolutions note- written on the 1st of Jan. I've kept them on track the first week and aspire to follow them at least 3 weeks a month.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


My resolutions for this year~

A happy new year to everyone! Wish everyone a ton of happiness, satisfaction, fabulousness, fitness, adventure, love, bliss, good health and some time for yourself! Above all, take it easy this year!

I have resolutions. But unlike other years where I have had an abysmal record of adhering to these, I have a plan to make these stick better. I’m going to refresh my resolutions at the end of every month to see how I’m doing and measure success month on month. A shorter time frame is easier to manage and frankly, gives one less space to postpone it into.

So here’s my set:

Maintain better mental and physical health
-Do yoga once every 2 days. I can replace this with other forms of exercise but its the least I would do
-Include meditation in to yoga
-De-stress and visit the spa more often
-Eat less meat, smoke less and drink less
-Sleep better!

Its obviously a less glamorous picture but its time to get my act together on the physical and mental richness with which we live

Strive for greater efficiency at work
-Cut out social networking sites at work (tough!!)
-Spend no more than 10 hours in office. Work from home for the latter

Cut out clutter from life
-Throw old clothes
-Cook on weekends + one week day (and for the rest, declutter and eat what is available)

Drop me your reactions....and help me revive this quiet space.

The music is Sheher main, from Rockstar