Sunday, November 22, 2009

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta sing together

Its finally the week of 26th. I feel bad my holiday starts the same day that darkened India last year, but it wasn't planned this way.

I kept my promise and did not sulk the last 2 weeks. In fact, I worked bloody damn hard and delivered kickass output. Not, only if we can get through the next few days.

I'm mixed today. Happy and Sad. I had a nice Sunday. Peepu and I went shopping. We picked up all sorts of random stuff including antique mashals, locks and specs' holders. Peepu picked up T shirts with Punjabi slogans on them. Who knew I'd date a boy from Ludhiana. Then, he picked up two sweaters. And thank god my boyfriend likes shopping (he insists he doesn't!). We had South Indian breakfast, street food and several pots of coffee. I got myself a face pack and purple tracks. So that's the reason I'm happy.

I'm sad for 2 reasons: I feel purposeless and I feel angry. I feel purposeless as I have this sudden feeling of 'is this what i'm made for?'. I did well in my last review cycle, which is probably why I'm questioning things again. Do I want to live with my parents? Is travel my only motivation to work? Do I really get a kick from being a Consultant? Have I really taken any risks? Once my holiday is over, what am I really going to look forward to? Many many questions, but no answers yet. I'll end this one with ..... as this isn't going to end soon. So ........

And then I'm angry. I can't believe I'm writing this in a public space but I'm angry with home. I'm from a rather neat family. They're smart, educated, well turned out and extremely liberal. We have enough even though we never really planned it to be this way. I live on my own terms, which keep me from confirming yet keep me grounded solid. But more recently, I get the feeling my life's getting increasingly materialistic. I'm afraid because my family really defines a large part of who I am. And I am indeed fabulous! I live a good life- I make sure I'm able to get most of what my heart desires, whether its a nice set of stones or hot black coffee or steamed momos or a Parisian holiday with my fav boy. I don't accumluate. I follow whatever my heart is dazzled with. And I'm angry because more recently the Joneses are starting to haunt my mum a bit, making her push me to follow not what my heart desires, but what my neighbours' hearts desire. I'm sure this will pass too...

Have you heard Des'ree, you gotta be?

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